A Lucid Moment

At random intervals over the past few months the subject of skating has come up. I used to skate quite a lot when I was a kid and for a short time back in the early 90s a pair of rollerblades was my primary form of transport. I adore skating; it's a beautiful, fluid, graceful form of movement that makes me feel all deft and stuff. At the Midsumma queer festival recently someone handed me a flyer for a roller derby event that was on tonight so I bought a ticket and went along to have a look. A little more body contact than I usually like in a sport but it still looks awesome and I'm led to understand that they're quite trans friendly. I collared one person to ask about it who sent someone else over to have a chat with me and the upshot of it is that there's a tryout happening on the 18th of Feb. I shall buy myself a mouthguard and give it a shot and if the stars all align which I rather hope they will, I'll then commit to the expense of skates and pads and helmet and find out how enjoyable and beneficial skating training 2-3 times a week can be. They don't have a policy with regards to trans people but it's apparently something that's under discussion and all looking promising in that respect. The rule of thumb seems to be that I'd have to have been on hormones for 12 months and I passed that mark a couple of months ago so that's all fine.

It really does look promising. There's a pile of associations and connotations there that tell me I can be both athletic and feminine and they people will accept me as both.

So a fun afternoon watching that followed by an evening of sitting about chatting at a party marred only slightly by the temporary filling I had put in a long time ago finally giving up and falling out. I should probably have a less temporary one put in. Expense. Grr.

Yesterday's exertions made themselves felt today. Sore thighs felt ok on the cycle commute in but didn't like going up and down stairs. They were also grumpy on the way home so there was lots of spinning in short gears and focussing on the biceps femoris and whatever the one next to it is called. I wonder if things will be up for a reprise of the running thing on Thursday. I shall see. 69.4kg this morning, no snacks although one of the grapefruits in the fridge will very likely disappear as a dessert. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to spend my birthday attending gatherings to celebrate the birthdays of two other people and that seemed to work out rather well.

Other than that I'm feeling oddly unmotivated. There's laundry I have to do, food I bought that I ought to prepare and so on but I honestly can't be arsed. I'm sure there's something in that which I should think about more closely but again, I can't be arsed. I feel like I want lots of sleep and gentle nothing in particular. I will amble through Christmas and then take stock, I think. I've booked for Rowany Festival so I should think seriously about prep for that. I have a tent but I do not have a bed. Also, although I've said this before, I need to look at garb. I have a sewing machine but the thing sort of confounds me and it's not readily transportable by bicycle so taking it to a friend's house and asking them to walk me through some basic usage of it is awkward.

I think I'm stressing about the secondment at work. I like it but I feel like I'm struggling a bit and need to resolve organising my time. I don't want to make a mess of it. I need to put health insurance into place for surgery more or less now assuming that I will have the requisite funds in about a year's time. I need to arrange electrolysis. On that front, I need to be less profligate with my spending. Really, what it comes down to is I need to be more disciplined in a lot of different areas and I seem to be awfully weak willed in that respect right now; I spend a lot of time going for short term comfort. This will come back to bite me.

I was rather ill the past couple of days. Ill enough that I actually failed to register throughout the whole of yesterday that it was the actual anniversary of me starting to take hormones. One whole year of me reinventing myself and my body and my life.

God, what a year it's been. This time last year I was desperately trying to find a place of my own, watching my marriage fly apart and wondering how on earth I was ever going to make this work. It has been the absolute hardest, most horrible time of my life and also the most rewarding. When I haven't been curled into a ball in tears or staring blankly at the wall in stark terror wondering what on earth I've done to my life, I've been more relaxed, more happy and more me. This is something that my friends have noticed as well. both those who see me regularly and those who haven't seen me over the course of the whole year. I've been able to uncurl, to allow myself to explore who I truly am and knock aside a pile of preconceptions about who and what I am and who and what I'm allowed to be. In the process I've discovered a person who I really rather like and who I'm very much enjoying getting to know. It's a rewarding thing to discover that you like yourself. I've learned about the sides of me I don't like as well...I'm lazy, I procrastinate, I can be selfish...there are a multitude of things that I need to pound out of myself but the level of self-knowledge that I've acquired in the past year alone is worth a very dear price indeed and that process has only just begun.

So here I am. I'm only a little way along this path and it frightens me only a little less than it did a year ago but I have learned that I can present myself to the world as I truly am and that for all that the world will in a thousand tiny ways deny me that and make me want to scream and hit people, the vast bulk of people will not only allow this but congratulate me on making the journey in the first place and this is an incredibly empowering thing. What I also learned, standing in the middle of a house full of people who were there to support and celebrate and further me discovering myself is that I am surrounded by some truly wonderful people. Many in my position are not nearly so lucky. Their friends leave them, their parents disown them, their employers find pretexts to fire them. I read and heard these horror stories when I started and I was terrified of the prospect of discovering who amongst those I loved would treat me so shabbily.

God I'm lucky. So so SO lucky. Thank you all, more than I can express. I still have no idea what my life will look like a year from now as I finally approach surgery which in itself is just another gate to pass through on the road to finding myself. The uncertainty and the feeling that I'll never quite fit into this world ever again frightens me badly. It does not, however, frighten me as badly as the idea of not doing it which literally make my mind go blank and my vision fade...it's genuinely, actually, literally unthinkable which is the most bizarre sensation I have ever experienced, and not one I recommend...I've re-emerged in the foetal position crying and shaking. I've learned not to try it anymore. This is not something I can deny myself. The fact that I am not alone tempers the fear though. I will always have a small place in the world, even if the wider community cannot accept me.

So tomorrow I continue as I did today. I will go to work. Once I finish there I plan to meet a friend of whom I've seen far too little. (and that has been happening a lot lately) I hope to discuss plans for the future in a real and concrete way that will lead to me doing real and concrete things. Hell, I might even find a life amongst it that isn't entirely tied up in this transition process. If I keep doing this, my life a year from now might be rather good. I like that idea.

The annual cocktail party that's become one of the highlights of my year was last night and was, as it always is, a huge amount of fun. It seemed weird not to be there all day as I have in previous years. In retrospect, the setting up and being there until the last guest staggers out the door was part of the event and I didn't have that this year. This isn't to say that I didn't have a good time. The lovely hometime and JB have been wonderfully hospitable and the party itself was still fantastic.

I caught up with a number of people who I haven't seen since this time last year and I had a couple of instances of "Have we met before, you look familiar." and similar things. This was actually huge fun and everyone who had to take a moment to realise who I was also said nice things. The dress I wore was an op-shop find from a couple of months ago that had to particular purpose at the time but which just had to come home with me. It's a spaghetti strapped sheath dress with a dark red underlayer and a black lace overlayer which I very much like. I swapped between a rather nice grey wrap and my usual black velvet bolero. The shoes were given to me some time ago by ms_killian and are heels which were tall enough to give me pause last time I wore them, but I managed to get medium squiffy in them this time without any real issues so I think I'm comfortable in them. I think I managed to avoid the enthusiastic small child look with the makeup. I think I badly need to play with this more so that on the rare occasions that I do use it, it holds fewer terrors for me. Maybe I need more frockup time generally...it's an empowering thing as I feel less uncomfortable and more like I might actually look good each time I do it. A fun thing in any case.

Back to work on Tuesday and hopefully to find that I've got a new position as team leader at work. I had a call on Friday as they'd promised, but only to tell me that they'd not yet made any final decisions. This job doesn't really have any downsides. The work is more interesting, it (mostly) gets me off the phones, it bumps my pay up a bit...really all good. I live in hope.

Today would have been my fourth wedding anniversary. I can only barely feel the callus where my wedding ring used to sit.Other reminders will take longer to fade.

An odd day today. I went to a couple of gatherings, both of which involved nice socialisation. The weather was cold and wet which both literally and figuratively dampened the mood somewhat. There was odd emotional discomfort which is really nobody's problem but my own so I'm not sure exactly how to address that. It also seems I'm still having odd ambivalent feelings about being attracted to people.

Yay for Kerry Greenwood booklaunches, even if today didn't bring the wonderful sunnyt weather which usually accompanies such things. There was singing which was always good. I had a minor twitchy moment and moved on to the next gathering I was due to go to, and in truth only got there about half an hour early. There's a Melbourne genderqueer group which has some lovely people there. I feel like something of an old fart there but not too badly. Thence to Hares and Hyenas to grab a copy of this. I was amused by the fact that the central character is a transgendered cyclist called Salisbury Forth who lives in Melbourne. A solid array of coincidences that and the book itself looks fun.

Food is in the oven. I chopped onions and let them fry in the bottom of my lovely cast iron pot with garlic and turmeric and pepper and cumin and fresh coriander before dumping a tin of diced tomatoes, two tins of chickpeas, a goodly amount of chopped sweet potato, flaked almonds and caroway seeds which I'd just toasted, a little chilli oil, tarragon and a box of frozen spinach on top of it and transferring the lot to the oven where it makes nice smells and is stirred occasionally.

I have a small amount of a Pratchett novel to consume and then I think it'll be straight on to my latest acquisition. I'm not really sure how I feel at this point. Not bad, not good but a poorly stirred mix of the two.

I got off work early today (pre-arranged) to make an appointment with my therapist. We discussed my recent implosions and how I've at least partly resolved the more pressing aspects of them along with other ways in which I've progressed. I get the impression that he's well pleased with me which is nice. He also gave me the requisite letter for having my passport re-issued showing the appropriate gender, following the recent spectacular change in legislation from the federal government. They're now allowing passports to be reissued to show M (male), F (female) or X (gender neutral/indeterminate) simply on the basis of a letter confirming ongoing treatment for gender transition or in the case of someone who's intersex, an existing condition. Up until now, surgery was required. I'm very much looking forward to getting that sorted out.

Having someone who pays close attention to my development of identity but who only sees me occasionally does point up the incremental differences which I and others around me don't notice so much. Apparently my voice is coming along far better than I thought. In terms of visual presentation I'm starting to get really comfy. I now expect to be read consistently as a woman or at least to present well enough that nobody raises an eyebrow. I'm also starting to get a bit of an idea of What Forth Wears which is a bit of a breakthrough. There's still plenty I want to play with which I haven't yet but that will come. The warmer weather will open up a few more options which I've not yet played with. My ongoing op shop frenzy is filling out my wardrobe and even providing the odd bit of jewelery. This is actually a heap of fun. I'm getting to play with clothes and I have a couple of cheerfully willing accomplices which makes it even more fun. The odd occasions when I've had someone come shopping with me is great as it pushes me to try things that I might not have otherwise. The filling out process seems to have moved on from the bit of a plateau which I hit earlier so I'm rather looking forward to seeing how that goes in the coming months as well.

These months do stack up fast. I'm rapidly approaching the 10 month mark on hormones and starting to contemplate some sort of party to mark the one year mark (22nd November). Dare I say that with a little more personal resolution, the scary bits soon might actually be noticeably outweighed by the fun bits? I have new friends and new clothes and new me. I still have to gather some of the valued old bits together. for all that I keep saying that I can't neglect them, they've still somewhat fallen by the wayside. That's going to be part of the process of continuing to gather the bits together.