Mar. 16th, 2017

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It's nearly 3am and I cannot sleep. I have a meeting at work tomorrow where I will be advised that I no longer have a job due to "breach of policies", that is, I'm working too slowly. Tomorrow will be the first time I have gone to work this week and I will be going in purely for that meeting. At that point, I will no longer have a job and subsequently, an income.

This is not a surprise. On Monday, being driven to the shops and buying some groceries was enough to reduce me to a panting, sweaty, aching wreck. Today, making dinner did something similar. I can't work. Hell, I can't even look after myself. I had to rely on a friend to buy cat food for me the other day so that the fluffbrat didn't go hungry. So not a surprise. But this is where the wheels really fall off my life. I lose the ability to retain my home by dint of my own efforts. Doing the simplest things HURTS and renders me incapable of doing another of the simplest things. So I can't lay down and close my eyes without thinking of tomorrow, and then I cry. Crying is another of those simple things which can be exhausting, so I should avoid that. So I make ugly terrified keening noises while tears run disconcertingly into my ears and my cat flees to the relative peace of the loungeroom. This is no fun so I've made a pot of tea and am just going to try to draw breath.

I am so over this. I am over being sad and angry and frightened and sore and exhausted. I think I'm into the bargaining stage which is awkward because there is nobody to whom I can beg to make things better. So I'm back to anger. It's a really good thing that I'm still way more interested in being me than being nothing because dark thoughts can be awfully dark. I just found a whole other set of ways in which a lot of things in the world that people take for granted are not for me anymore. I wonder just how circumscribed my existence is going to be. I wonder just how long my friendships can remain active in the face of me not being able to do much to maintain them. So I see my life shrinking in scope and the days running into each other until disability trickles into old age and I gently and oh so blandly and tediously wink out. This was not the life script I had in mind and I mourn the self who I had hoped to spend the remainder of my life with. I need this to not be my reality, please.

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sacredchao

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