sacredchao: (Default)
Nearly two weeks on and I think 'nise is gone. This has left me aware of the fact that her's was the sole unconditional love I've had for the past two to three years. She waited out the front of the house nearly every day to greet me when I returned home from work, sat with me in the evening, vetted and then adopted my friends as her own and was my constant companion. All my current relationships are in some way at arm's length. There has been nobody who has unreservedly wanted me in their life for about three years now. This is not to say that I don't value my friends. I very much do. They've kept me sane and safe and loved. But I miss having someone's face light up and their voice brighten when they see me at the same moment that I feel delight in being around them. I miss quiet unfussed intimacy. I miss being special. For all that she was just a stripy cat, Anise delighted me and was delighted by me daily. That deep reciprocal love from a person is all the more special and it's clearer to me now how badly absent that has been. The freakshow feeling is stronger just from contemplating that. People will let me in as a friend and will occasionally let me close physically. I wonder how much closer than that I'll get to someone.
sacredchao: (cat)
Nearly fifteen years ago I was sitting in a bedroom in a house in Cairns watching a kitten being born. She and her sister followed me through 14 instances of moving house, three long term relationships, including one marriage, half a degree and gender transition. She kept me sane and loved and provided me with the one constant in my life.

I haven't seen her for nearly five days.

This is unheard of for her. She greets me loudly when I come home, bugs me in the kitchen, sits on my bed and talks to me. I took her to the vet recently and the blood and urine tests they did showed that she has both hyperthyroidisn and kidney dysfunction, both moderate. On Saturday her breathing was laboured and I watched her closely but on Sunday morning she seemed fine again so I let her out as I left the house on Sunday morning because the weather was sunny. I have not seen her since.

I live in hope that I'll see her again but somehow I have a gut feeling that I won't and it's a horrible horrible feeling. I just hope she found somewhere comfortable. Fifteen years is a long friendship.

I love my stripyhead. I want her back.
sacredchao: (Default)
Nearly fifteen years ago I was sitting in a bedroom in a house in Cairns watching a kitten being born. She and her sister followed me through 14 instances of moving house, three long term relationships, including one marriage, half a degree and gender transition. She kept me sane and loved and provided me with the one constant in my life.

I haven't seen her for nearly five days.

This is unheard of for her. She greets me loudly when I come home, bugs me in the kitchen, sits on my bed and talks to me. I took her to the vet recently and the blood and urine tests they did showed that she has both hyperthyroidisn and kidney dysfunction, both moderate. On Saturday her breathing was laboured and I watched her closely but on Sunday morning she seemed fine again so I let her out as I left the house on Sunday morning because the weather was sunny. I have not seen her since.

I live in hope that I'll see her again but somehow I have a gut feeling that I won't and it's a horrible horrible feeling. I just hope she found somewhere comfortable. Fifteen years is a long friendship.

I love my stripyhead. I want her back.

Profile

sacredchao: (Default)
sacredchao

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9 101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios