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I have said in the past that depression is an insidious thing in that it does, by its very nature, make it awfully difficult to do anything about. It's a self-perpetuating condition in a lot of ways although obviously it's more complicated than that. Having said that, if you can get enough of a wedge in the gap that you can address some of the underlying causes, then your ability to continue to do things to cope with it increase enormously, or at least that seems to be what's happening with me. A new prescription for medication has made a real difference and acting on a blood test that showed me to be low on both vitamin B12 and vitamin D may well have helped quite a bit. I'm now cycling three days a week with every indication that I will be able to step this up in the near future. I've lost nearly 5kg (only another 20-25kg to go!) and cycling is already much easier. I'm finding socialisation much easier although it's still easy for me to become overstimulated and exhausted and a few relationships have become closer and more rewarding. I'm actually happy and feeling like I have agency. This is all extremely promising.

I had an almost-on-a-whim purchase recently. A friend was selling his very nice mountain bike and I'd regretfully decided that I couldn't justify spending $750 on a bike. Visiting him to check out his garage sale, we started talking again and the looking at bikes I'd done in the interim had made me realise just how good a buy this was. So I'm now the proud owner of a fastidiously modified and maintained Felt mountain bike. This will allow me much more rewarding trail rides and provide the impetus to do exactly that.

Flat hunting is becoming more prominent now that I have the mental space for it. I attended an auction yesterday and although the property was out of my reach, it always had a bit of a "too good to be true" aspect to it and in the end was so far beyond my limit that I wasn't even disappointed. There are other potential candidates and I will continue to hunt.

I didn't get the job I wanted. I'm a little dubious about why exactly I was turned down and it's very easy for me to be paranoid about this but others around me are agreed that it seems dodgy. I shall follow this up gently while also consciously going through the emotional process of letting go of that particular hope.

So a period of growth and change. 2014 was not my best year but 2015 could be really good. Onwards.

I'm back

Jan. 25th, 2015 11:44 pm
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It's been a while since I posted. Future me will be annoyed because although others read this and that fact is one of the things that makes this valuable, the primary reader of this journal is future me.

So where to begin?

I have a cat again. She was born on the 3rd of September and I picked her up on the 31st of October. She is wilful and talkative and a locus of chaos and beautiful and I love her. I spent some time trying to come up with a breathtakingly cool name for her before realising that she didn't need a clever name, just one that can easily be said with love. So I went with my first impulse which was Penelope. She will never be called that but is simply and always Penny. Also Pennycat, pretty one, scampercat, fluffmonster and when I'm feeling silly, Pfenig Hlepan Wollenbrek ForÞsdottir. (subject to me checking whether that's even remotely correct) She has an elegant sufficiency of fluff, beautiful markings and all the wonderful absurdity that any good kitten has. She is also probably the single best thing that happened to me in 2014.

A couple of weeks ago I got my second tattoo. It's an E H Shepherd illustration from Winnie the Pooh of Christopher Robin leaning back against Pooh pulling on his boots. The story behind it is that Pooh goes to visit Christopher Robin and finds him putting on his boots. He is excited because Big Boots mean Adventures. Christopher Robin had trouble getting his boots on and had to lean back quite hard on Pooh to manage it which made Pooh happy because he was already having a Useful Day. It turned out that Christopher Robin was preparing to head out to discover the North Pole. So it's a reminder that when setting out on a grand voyage of discovery, sometimes you need to lean quite hard on your friends. An acknowledgement and a reminder to pay it forwards. It's also a pretty thing and it makes me happy.

Mental health...lots there.

I started one lot of medication and found that while it took the edge off my anxiety, it also makes me tired and even less likely to be motivated to get things done than I used to be. It also didn't make me any more keen on socialising and if anything made that worse. So yesterday I got a new prescription and I'll see how that goes. Hermiting and disengagement remains an issue and I wound up deciding not to drink alcohol at all for the forseeable future as that was getting to the point of being distinctly unhealthy. I am resolved to try to get out of the house more. I really really ought to create things. It's become clear that body issue are a major part of my mental issues and this is not a single issue thing but rather a series of things that interrelate in a complex way that involve gender identity, sexuality, fitness, cultural expectations and myriad other things I haven't yet properly sorted through. I'm getting a clearer picture now though and starting to make plans to deal with this.

One of these will be exercise. Last week I went on a three day bike ride along a rail trail from Mansfield to Tallarook. It was a lovely ride and I did it in the company of several wonderful queer women who were mutually supportive and encouraging. This was a fortunate thing as it turned out that I had rather badly over-reached myself. On the dirt rail trails, my limit was about 30km before I essentially completely drained my body's reserves of energy and just had to stop. Given that we rode 60km on the first day and 40km on the third day, this presented difficulties. By the end of those days I had stopped thinking clearly by the time we got to where we needed to be, literally staggered thoughtlessly in circles, collapsed in the nearest convenient spot and cried, not because I was upset but just as a sheer physical reaction. Two days later I broke out in hives and I suspect I essentially crashed my immune system. If I had done this ride in early 2012, I would have romped through it easily. So my fitness is gone and I now weigh over 90kg. I've declared that I need to do something about this numerous times. Maybe I can make it stick this time. It really really hurt this time and I'm finding a host of reasons to hate what I've done to this body.

There are other things that I'll address another time but they involve work and a home and the process of reexamining those as well. Life is in flux. This is probably good.
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I spent some time on the bike both today and yesterday. This is still a special thing for me and I've had no notable discomfort from the admittedly modest amount of riding I've done. (10km yesterday, 15km today) So I think I'm back to my commute and from this point I'll be interested to see how my fitness progresses. It's dropped horribly in the past year and I am even slower than I was before surgery. There is a LOT of work to do. If I ride to and from work by default and treat the bike as my primary form of transport for most other things then I think it will work. It'll take time but that's unavoidable so I will just do and do and do and the doing will become easier. I'm hoping that this will also put me back on track as far as paring my weight back goes.

Mostly though, while it will do many good things for me, I just adore riding. I still feel deft and graceful on the bike and as my muscle tone returns, that will only get better and I'll get back the muscular and athletic thing as well. I loved having that and I absolutely WILL have it again. There's a hint of spring in the air and I think this is the perfect time to start cycling again. It will be wonderful.

Reboot

Jul. 2nd, 2013 11:56 pm
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This month will be one of abstinence (in some ways). I've started the detox diet and so I will have very real restrictions on what I can eat for the next three weeks. No booze, caffeine, wheat, soy or dairy. Nothing from the nightshade family which apparently includes potato, sweet potato, chilli, capsicum and eggplant. After that I'm going to try to keep my intake down and look at what exercise I might be capable of come August. The booze prohibition will lift come August but gently and with care.

I have an interview tomorrow for a permanent position doing what I'm doing now on secondment. I'm a pretty good chance to get this but I'm counting no chickens. I would like it though.

More annoyingly, I lost my purse on Saturday afternoon. The usual round of card replacement and swearing is ongoing. I discovered that it was gone just as I walked out the door on Saturday evening. It was especially annoying as I was feeling good about going out, especially after the particularly good night I had on Friday. Oh well. I'm at least feeling far more comfortable in myself and that can only be a good thing.
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A big step today, I booked the date for surgery. Don't invite me to anything on 23/04/13, I'm sort of busy. It's a couple of weeks later than I expected but really that's neither here nor there at this stage. So this is a big thing with attendant crazy stress levels. Coming on the heels of the news about my knee, it presents two huge stressors, both of which introduce considerable uncertainty. Yes, I expect surgery to resolve a lot of dissonance and confusion but I also know full well that once that happens there will be a whole new slab of myself to evaluate and place into context and it will result in me evolving and growing yet again. I have no idea what the result of this will be though, only that it will almost certainly happen and so I should not make any especially firm plans.

I have a job interview on Wednesday. It's for the permanent position for which I've just started the secondment. I like to think that the fact that I've been given the secondment bodes well for he permanent position but I rather badly want this one. It will be a quiet relaxing job around people I like, interacting only with other departments, not the general public. It also means a slight bump in pay. Want.

So these things along with various interpersonal whatsits happening at different levels for different reasons and the need to find a new place to live before surgery mean that I have enough uncertainty in my life to have pinged some sort of what-the-fuck-is-going-on threshold. I need to address one thing at a time, even if everything is clamouring for attention at once.

There are times when I just want to have a comfortable thing to curl up against though. My soul is craving safe and cozy and I'm really not finding that right now.
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I felt like posting randomly from work (on my lunch break - I'm being good!). I felt awfully virtuous yesterday. Cycle commute to and from work and then straight to pilates as soon as I got home. Both of these exercises were actually really nice. Cycling was just what cycling always is and I thoroughly enjoy my commute. Pilates was hanging out with some of my derby league while running through a series of exercises which will surely do good things for me over time and left me feeling pleasantly sweaty and warm and with the sort of satisfying ache that just says I've used my muscles and which I've come to both like and miss. The exercise plus no trashy food has conspired to get me under 75kg. This is still far too heavy for my liking but represents good progress. The best part of all of this is that I'm finally in control of my body again and have some use of it. This is spectacularly good and I'm finally feeling something approaching optimism. There's still the question of what is going to happen with my knee but that hinges on what the surgeon has to say and is going to be something of a long term exercise. I've accepted that, even though the fact it will keep me from skating really bugs me and again, at least I have *some* access to my body.

It seems I actually really enjoy exercise which is something I would have found odd once. This can only be a good thing unless I lose it again. It seems I have both motivation and opportunity at the same time. I also have plans. Onwards then.
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So yesterday I splashed out and bought a couple of things. One was a new pair of headphones. My old Sennheisers disappeared recently but were getting rather rattly and worn so probably due for replacement anyway...it's not as if I didn't get a *lot* of use out of them. So another pair of Sennheiser cans and these are rather nicer than the old ones. Cleaner, less bass heavy, defined and just lovely. $150 is slightly more than I meant to spend but they were so much better than any of the $100-120 range things there that it was entirely worth it.

About half that price, but entirely more rewarding was the replacement bike helmet. My old one resoundingly earned its keep a couple of months ago and is now no longer a helmet. So this morning I put it on, along with cycling appropriate clothing and rode to work for the first time in months.

I had not realised how badly I had missed this and how dreadfully I felt as if I no longer had ownership of my body. Being allowed to use my own body like that again is the most gloriously empowering thing. I'm flabby and unfit and so so SLOW but it was the best thing ever and I get to do it all over again tomorrow.

I felt properly functional for the first time in months. The cough has nearly completely receded, I slept well, I got exercise, I listened to good music through my shiny new headphones while working and my productivity went through the roof. The contrast to the past few months was such a stark relief that I'm startled by just how cramped and unhappy I really have been recently. I should not want to cry with relief when I get home from work, not because the commute was hard but because it was so good.

So I'm now actively taking my body back. No snacks, reduced booze, cooking real food, finally exercising again, pilates on Mondays, and while I'm not looking forward to the consultation with the arthroscopic surgeon (not yet actually booked) it will at least be a step forward.

The months of no exercise and comfort food bingeing has seen my weight creep up to 77kg. 18 months ago I weighed 63kg and I liked that. Now my clothes don't fit. All the above measured should fix this particular bugbear. I *like* being fit and lean. I am so taking that back.

Finally, it's now four months away from reassignment surgery. That time will fly. I can't wait.
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I took the day off sick today. By the time the end of the day rolled around yesterday I was exhausted and sore from the coughing so I wanted medication. I got that, and more importantly, got the results from the x-ray and MRI. The shoulder is simply injured and still healing and is therefore uncomplicated.

The knee is less straight forward...it turns out that there are a couple of things going on there. I have a sprain of my posterior cruciate ligament which is half healed and coming along. That will just need physio work. I apparently also have "focal mid medial patellar facet high-grade partial thickness chondral fissuring" and this has earned me a referral to an arthroscopic surgeon. I likely won't get a consultation until next year.

My physio feels that I should be able to at least cycle at this point so I can start building my aerobic fitness up again. With that and pilates classes for core strength I should at least begin to get my body back. No contact skating for me though and I'm dubious about skating prior to consultation with the surgeon. This is going to take a while and will almost certainly overlap with reassignment surgery. I think it's time to settle in for some work and accept that skating will be a while away.

It's good to have a plan. I still wish I didn't need one though. There's going to be quite a bit of work and quite a bit of pain involved in this which doesn't exactly fill me with joy. I do have the option to get my body back though and so many people don't. This could be an awful lot worse. Deep breath time.
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Today marks two years on hormones. A quiet day, just a dinner and chat with a friend to mark its passing. It's now rather less than five months until surgery. I know I've said that surgery isn't transition, but it will mark something of an end point as far as the big stuff goes. The rest is just tidying up and settling into myself properly.

Hopefully from this point my relationship with my body moves back into reclaiming it. I have my MRI this Sunday and once I have the results, I can move forward with what exercise I can do without damaging myself further and whatever treatment is needed to get it properly healed. I can get my fitness back, drop this excess weight and have that kinesthetic part of my life back. If I can get some proper derby training back in before I go to surgery I might even start to properly reconnect with my league. They've been lovely but being on the periphery isn't the same as skating with them. Hell, I might even see some scrimmage. I don't think getting back up to yellow star is too crazy a goal. Summer is coming along as well. Cycling commuting in the early morning in summer is a simple but profound joy on some days. Everything is warm and you can smell so much more than car exhaust. It's all cut grass and warm bitumen and garden beds and wooden fences and the city gently exhaling - there's a *smell* to summer.

I've been contemplating getting ink lately. This is again partly an exercise in reclaiming my body and of all the times in my life, this may well be the perfect time to do it. I have several ideas about what I want, very few of which relate to actual content. This is fine. There is no timetable to this, if it happens at all but I'm enjoying the process of turning it over in my mind. Perhaps that will be my post-surgery present to myself to enjoy until I can get on skates again at which point I think an upgrade is indicated. I shall try on boots and peer at plates and get myself some properly stompin' wheels.

Muscle and ink. Girl parts and skates. That's an interesting combination and I think I like the sound of it. Never mind this summer, next summer should be amazing.
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I didn't get anything other than the scheduled CT scan done at the Alfred and I wasn't that surprised. I do now have an x-ray (for my shoulder which still aches when it shouldn't anymore) and an MRI scan (for my knee) booked for this coming Sunday. I'm both impatient and nervous about finding out what's going on with my knee.

Things are slowly coming to a head. The weekend after the one coming I start preparations for surgery which will be nastily uncomfortable but needful and really, it'll be such a concrete forward step that I'm nearly looking forward to it. Nearly.

No skating has prompted me to play guitar more again. I have neglected this badly and my fingers don't quite do what I ask of them. Hopefully this will get better over time.

Still hating my body right now. It's fat, unfit, sore, balky, fragile and has now managed to find itself a throat infection from somewhere just in case I was getting complacent. It's getting the hiding of its life once I know I can get away with it. My cycle commute is a distant memory as is derby training. This is going to hurt. It'll be constructive hurt though. I suspect that this will be a theme for a while. Frankly, getting gain with my pain will be a huge improvement and I can't wait.
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So it's getting on for 3am and I'm sitting and thinking and surfing random stupid stuff on the internet because for some reason the idea of going to sleep seems untenable. This has been my pattern now for over a month. I'm living on 3-4 hours of sleep per night and been an aching sleep deprived zombie at work which doesn't make for the most pleasant possible working days.

I have an appointment tomorrow at The Alfred hospital. Ostensibly it's because during my shoulder x-rays they saw a "spot" in my upper lung. They said that it's likely a transient thing but that they simply want to check it because if it *is* transient then it should have, well, transited by now. I've barely given it a thought and for some reason have been entirely successful in telling myself not to worry about it until a doctor says I should worry about it. What I'm planning to get done tomorrow is point out that while they looked at my shoulder and spine six weeks ago, I have a knee that aches even after only moderate walking and on which I'm now terrified to cycle or skate for fear of doing permanent damage and can we do an MRI scan now please? At this point I don't care what it costs. I want to know what's wrong. I want to know what I can do without causing permanent damage and I want to know what needs to be done to fix it so that I can arrange to have that done.

The first two point are to give me at least some use of my body back. I've gained about 5kg and dropped muscle mass at the same time. My clothes are getting tight and I"m starting to dislike how I look and feel self-conscious about it. My fitness has dropped to the point that I can feel it even with gentle walking...I'm not out of breath but I feel the difference in heart rate and effort and I do breathe harder than I used to and I feel it in the muscles of my legs where I wouldn't have even registered that I'd been doing anything before. My body is deteriorating in all sorts of ways and at this point I can't do a damn thing about it. I need to regain agency in this and to do that I need knowledge. Right then, let's do that. Once I have that knowledge I know what I can do without permanent damage. I don't *care* if it hurts, it's not like I've had much in the way of pain free moments for the past six weeks anyway so this will not be a big step.Just the knowledge that I'm reclaiming this body will be worth a very great deal of discomfort. The last point hopefully gets rid of the pain and puts me back on track to cycle commute (if I can't do that already anyway) and going back to train and work up to scrimmage. This will mean work but it will be such GOOD work and I so so so need to get started on it.

Of course all this is predicated on a good prognosis. I have no idea what the potential range of outcomes is and I'm so scared that it's going to be something that means I simply can't go back to the level of activity I've gotten used to. So I'm sleepless and not a little worried and at 3am there's not a single useful thing I can do except sleep. I have no idea why I'm so reluctant to do that and so I worry about that as well. This is not helpful.

This Saturday will be another round of testing. It should have been the day when I tested up to green star and became eligible to bout. Part of me really really doesn't want to be there and part of me is saying "Don't you *dare* walk away from scrimmage on a test day." They will need warm bodies there to NSO and there will be friends there testing. Honestly, too, there's part of me that really does want to be there.

I am going to fix this.
I am going to fix this.
I am going to fix this.
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And that's another weekend I've run out of and another curtailed in various ways by my injuries. I left the bout after party on Saturday sore enough to be in tears at one point and monumentally pissed off at having to cut the evening short. I did very little today.

I looks like the next stage with the knee is to get a MRI scan to see exactly what the damage is. This is apparently likely to cost something in the order of $300, private health insurance or not. I'll hit my insurance up to see what they're good for but either way, I suspect that this is going to cost me real money to resolve given that the scan will only give an idea what the actual treatment will have to be. Please please not surgery. I have to resolve it though...it's keeping me from both cycling and skating. This is fitness, body image, social life and chunks of my own identity all compromised because of this injury and I am getting progressively more and more upset about it.

I don't want to be sore.
I don't want to be inactive.
I don't want to watch from the sidelines.
I want my fucking body back and I want to have a reason to like it again.

I know a number of people who have been through those sentiments in spades and with sprinkles on top and with no hope of resolution. I wish this gave me a sense of perspective but to be honest, it doesn't. I'm just finding my mood getting progressively darker and I absolutely have to make sure that I'm actually doing something about it or the whole situation is going to get out of control.
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There's a night I seriously don't want to repeat. I was cycling up to Footscray train station after lovely singing when I found myself coming up behind a much slower cyclist. He moved to one side as I went to go around him and I had ot brake redally hard to avoid hitting him. I'm not sure exactly what happened next but it involved going over the handlebars really fast and landing on my right shoulder and the side of my head. The guy on the other bike favoured me with a sneering "Ya fuckwit!" and left me hyperventilating and shuddering on my back in the middle of the road. Charming. So after very gingerly riding the remaining few hundred metres to the train station there was a progression of stairs and changing trains (for a total of three), nearly passing out at one point before finally getting home about an hour later. The wonderful 10B took me to The Alfred hospital and stayed there until 3am for shich I am enormously grateful. Because I'd hit my head hard enough to crack my helmet in two places the staff quite reasonably feared for the state of my spine and put me in a neckbrace and admonished me firmly not to move. So flat and immobile on my back for the next 7 hours. That's sort of comfy at first but wears thin awfully quickly. A series of x-rays and a CT scan later (which occasioned the usual "Is there any chance that you're pregnant? ... Physically impossible, yes we hear that a lot." conversation.) it was determined after several hours that my spine is fine but I have a contused shoulder joint and a fractured scapula which explains why lugging my bike up and down several flights of stairs was so unpleasant.

As an aside, being trans, particularly pre-op or non-op in a hospital is exceedingly awkward. To their eternal credit, the staff were utterly lovely and made me as comfortable as possible the whole time. There was no hint of *them* having difficulty with the situation, the awkwardness was all mine.

This firmly confirms the destruction of any plans for bouting pre-surgery so I can now relax and let my knee heal properly. I am very sore and very grumpy.
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Even though I can't skate, I can't tear myself away from it either. Saturday saw me driving up to Bendigo to see a couple of bouts. The ticket was $10, the petrol was probably more like $50. I'm still rather enjoying having a car again. I generally don't drive it during the week so when the weekend rolls around and I have it sitting there waiting for me, it's still a luxury that I haven't quite managed to take for granted yet, even though I unthinkingly plan with the assumption that I now have access to it. It was a truly lovely day so the drive up was delightful and I had a little time to kill which I did by idly wandering around Bendigo. I dropped into JB HiFi to get a giftcard for the person whose birthday party I was attending that evening and heard a really fun bouncy pseudoska track playing. "That sounds like Gwen Stefani" I thought and asked and sure enough it was the new No Doubt album. Sadly, that was the only track of it's type on the whole album. A bit of a disappointment but then I suppose I shouldn't have expected Tragic Kingdom all over again.

The derby was scrappy and most penalty laden but still entertaining. I was really going up there to avoid the star testing which happened at Northside that day in which I was not earning my orange star. *pouts* I am only a couple of weeks away from dropping a star level which will effectively end all hope of bouting before surgery. I will throw a tantrum, get over it and move on. There *will* be a tantrum though.

I made my way back to Gisborne and attended a quiet but pleasant birthday party for Michel and crashed on their couch. On the way home I conceived of a desire to finally try braising lamb shanks. One super market raid later and I had browned shanked resting on a plate and a mixure of leek, celery, carrot, fennel and apple making a sort o mirepoix in the same enamelled cast iron pot used the brown the shanks (and deglazing it a treat before I even added wine) along with oregano, fresh rosemary that I noticed poking through someone's front fence in great abundance so O nicked a couple of sprigs, zest and juice from a lime (yes, again - I love it) lots of pepper, a fair amount of salt and a little nutmeg. I had it all in the oven turned down as low as it would go before remembering that I had agreed to NSO for scrimmage at Kemizo this evening. I figured it would survive, invited my flatmate to help herself to a shank at about 7pm and drove up to Campbellfield.

I *like* playing NSO. I'm being useful, I learn lots and I'm hanging out with people that I really like. I also spend the whole time wishing that I was out there on wheels, banging hips and getting sweaty. Still yellow star, probably about to drop back to white due to absence. That will chafe.

Initial consultation with the surgeon tomorrow. I have no idea how I'll react so I've arranged to meet up for debriefing over coffee with someone who's also been through surgery (albeit not quite the same procedure, but close enough) with the same surgeon and also someone I have meant to catch up with again anyway. Fortunately I have Tuesday off so I can do whatever I like on that day rather than being distracted at work.

[addendum:] Dinner rather good. I was going to roast sweet potato to go with it but didn't have time. There was so much in the way of braising fixings in the pot that it proved entirely unnecessary though. I am pleasantly full.

Broken

Sep. 17th, 2012 08:16 pm
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I think I've hit the point where the effects of this injury have gotten properly under my skin. It's playing with my head on several levels and I think I'm beyond simply grumpy with it. I'm heavily invested in both cycling and skating. They're the activities where I feel graceful and strong and deft and actually like my body for what it can do. I'm also invested in being fit...getting fit and relatively lean has been the way in which I've been able to assert some measure of control over my body for the past year or so and that's really important to me. Now I've lost that control, my fitness has already declined sharply in one sedentary month, my clothes are getting tight and I'm finding now that I don't *trust* my body any more, nor am I completely sanguine that it's actually going to heal properly. I tried skating briefly yesterday just to see what the new outdoors wheels I have are like and I was uncertain and nervous and scared that I was going to fall and aggravate my knee further. I've started to take for granted that I'm comfortable on skates. Finding myself so wary and apprehensive was incredibly unsettling. Also, for all that I totally have the support of my derby team and I've been playing NSO, the fact that I haven't been training for that long has led to me feeling like there's a bit of a disconnect there. I'm being helpful and that's appreciated but I don't feel like a skater anymore because, well, I'm not. I want the use of my body back and I want to be able to trust and like it again. Right now there's not a damn thing about it that pleases me and I rather badly need to find *something* good about it.

I suspect that this is the key reason why I've been so SO angry at things lately. I'm noticing the ways in which I'm disenfranchised and seeing my friends similarly affected. Someone I know encountered blatant transphobic discrimination today. There's nothing ambiguous about being referred to as a "gender-bender". I've been distracted by it for the rest of the day and while I'd normally be thoroughly pissed off by it, it's not something that would have me physically twitchy and exhausted. I'm feeling thoroughly snarky at *everything* and I think I really do need to get some perspective or I'm going to wind up halfway burnt out. I'm grumpy and pessimistic about more or less everything in my life at the moment and that's not a good way to live.

on the mend

Sep. 2nd, 2012 10:22 pm
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A nice weekend. It started with face zapping on Saturday morning, This is not a nice thing, but at least I get to stop being bristly-chinned which is actually the worst part about electrolysis. They need to be able to pluck the hair after killing the follicle which means I need to let it grow out for a few days. Sporting a three day growth goatee on public transport is not my favourite thing. That done, I treated myself to yummy recuperative breakfast on Brunswick St before continuing to 1000£ Bend to meet up with the Genderqueer Australia folk for sociable beverage consumption and conversation. Kath appeared with Kaylee, both derbied up having apparently been out skating that morning. I was mightily jealous.

Kaylee and I went on the the VRDL vs SSRD bout at the showgrounds. Two of the best derby teams in the country merrily tearing into each other meant that expectations were high but we were definitely not disappointed. I was inspired all over again to get to a competitive level.

That confirmed my plan to go out to train with the fresh meat and white stars today. They don't do contact and I can beg off the stuff like falls and jumps. I also got to meet the new skaters properly. I think I'll do the same thing next week and do some social skating with them. I'm enthused about potentially training the fresh/white sessions which I'll be able to do once I test up another level and that will hopefully happen in November. September testing is not going to happen but I'm hopeful about November. Squatting to full knee flexion and standing up again is uncomfortable but no longer actually painful. The idea of getting new skaters moving and comfy and happy on skates appeals to me a great deal. It's an awfully liberating thing and facilitating that for our new skaters would be a rewarding thing indeed.
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I got the second psychiatric referral to the surgeon today. This essentially means all systems are go so once I see the surgeon I can confirm a date, hopefully in April next year. Beyond that it's just about putting the financial ducks in a row. This is the only part where I'm reliant on someone else but the time frame there is well before the surgery date so I'm confident there.

Addendum that has nothing to do with the last bit:

I got back on both the bike and skates for the first time in about three weeks. No notable achiness has ensued but by the same token my knee still exhibits the same level of crankiness it did before. I'm comfy with gentle skating and cycling but I'm still going to dodge commuting by bike and training involving contact for a while. I might spend some time helping out with fresh/white training sessions though.
sacredchao: (Default)
I finally went and saw a physio. I don't know why I procrastinate so badly about some things, but I do. I seems that I have a tear to the medial meniscus in my right knee. He doesn't think it's bad but it's still something that will take weeks to come good. This put me out of star testing for September and probably for November as well. Given that I'll also drop a star level while absent, that means that it'll be impossible for me to bout before surgery. I probably shouldn't have gotten so invested in that as an idea but I was treating it as non-negotiable and now there's really no way it's going to happen and it's just now starting to sink in how much I wanted it. A year from now I might be thinking about putting skates on again post-surgery and there will be a *lot* of work to recover fitness and form. I'll be lucky to be bouting by the end of *next* year. I'm not giving up on this, it's one of the best things I've ever done but I am going to be beyond frustrated with it. I don't know how far into my 40s I can reasonably expect to bout competitively so losing over a year is significant. FML.

More ow.

Aug. 19th, 2012 12:15 am
sacredchao: (Default)
My obstinately sore knee has found a kindred spirit in my neck which is currently sore even in a neutral position and notably more sore in any other position. I think this is muscular but whatever it is, it bloody hurts and head checks before changing lanes on the way home from the derby bout I went to see in Moe were something of a trial. The stiffness at this point reaches from the base of my skull to the mid-point of my shoulderblades and out to either shoulder. Over it. I want my body to work again please, it's caused me enough grief of late; it could at least function as it's meant to.

On order.

Aug. 13th, 2012 08:25 pm
sacredchao: (Default)
I made an appointment today for a referral to the surgeon. This is not an appointment to see the surgeon, this is an appointment to see the person who will refer me to the surgeon. I was expecting vapourous brain after that exercise but I feel quite calm. The astonishing headache that's actually making my eyes hurt and my sore knee may be acting as a distraction. Regardless, it's a concrete step that will get me one step closer to fixing this particular bugbear.

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