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I'm feeling odd. Today was full of little adrenal panic attacks from the moment I woke. All I really wanted to do when they happened was lay down and stop moving or thinking and on a couple of occasions when I was assured of total privacy I did precisely that. I really hope that this is a short lived and unique thing that I don't have to deal with again. I made it through the day at work despite non-functional computer systems for half the day condensing my workload to an afternoon of crazed keyboard thumping.

Still hating my body. I'm fat and slow and fed up with both of these aspects. I have a consultation on Thursday about my knee which may explain the fit of nerves today. I *am* nervous about this because an unfavourable diagnosis could badly dent my lifestyle and ability to work with my body. Nervous isn't really a strong enough word - I'm scared that my current limitations could be permanent or that the limitations that will be permanent will be close enough to what I currently have to make no real difference. I'm kind of dealing with the things I can't do on the basis that they're something that isn't forever. If they are forever there will be tears.

Surgery is closer. Less fear and more excitement with this but still the trepidation that comes with a big life event. There will be pain and work to recover and a whole new round of coming to terms with myself and I have no idea exactly where that's going to leave me.

I also have a job interview tomorrow. I had an interview for the four week secondment that will cover the period up until they finalise the permanent placement but this one is for the permanent position. I want this position. So that's more nervousness.

Attendant to surgery in a way is the desire to move. I want that to happen before surgery or I'll be stuck here for a few months longer which I don't especially want. I need to start making that happen.

I think I would like one aspect of my life not to freak me out for a while. Something relaxing and comfortable. Right now I don't really have that which leaves me without a retreat. There we go - that's the insight that comes with typing stuff out like this. Now I know why I'm a twitching mess I might have a chance of working out what to do. Maybe. Fuck.
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Well this could be a touch confronting.

I've been contacted by another trans derby skater. She has in turn recently been contacted by the ABC who are making a series of documentaries, one of which examines trans people. They've talked with trans children and their parents, older trans people and so on and have decided that they want to talk to trans people who participate in sport and have decided that derby is the place to go for this.

So I'm essentially going ahead with this and it could well include me being interviewed on a show that will be broadcast nationally. Way to out myself, huh? The whole idea is a trifle daunting but there's nobody who I'd be mortified to have find out about this so aside from the potential for being accosted in the street by total strangers it's not that worrying. I like the potential for positives to be derived from this. I don't physically look like the popular stereotypical conception of a transwoman and I'll dress to push that. I'm not flamboyant, I'm not a drag queen and I'm not some dowdy bloke in his mum's old frock. I'm simply a woman and the less remarkable I can be in that respect (while still definitely striving for presentable) the better. Beyond that I get to provide a *positive* commentary on what is means to be trans, what it means to be gender diverse as an athlete and how that can be a positive experience for everyone involved. I can hopefully also somewhat puncture the idea that as a transwoman playing sport in a women's league I somehow derive unfair advantage from magical boy powers. So yes, there's discrimination out there, even in derby, but I've yet to personally strike it and the experience I've had is so overwhelmingly good that I think it should be given some time even if only to demonstrate that genuine acceptance and inclusion is very very possible. The sporting world as a whole could probably learn a lot from derby in that regard.

I am mindful of the fact that media regularly gets things badly wrong when it comes to portraying trans people. I plan to be very clear about the fact that I'm absolutely *not* ok with them broadcasting pre-transition images of me, regardless of how publicly available they are, nor am I ok with them making use of my old name. I'll also be clear about how I expect them to be consistent about pronoun usage, including when talking about me pre-transition. I haven't had many ideas beyond that but those are the things that usually make me twitch when reading articles about trans people. There will inevitably be things I'll be less than totally thrilled about but I'm prepared to suck that up and deal. I made a commitment to myself a long time ago that I was going to be out about this and I've increasingly come to want to be at least a bit publicly active with regards to the perception and treatment of trans people. This is the point where the opportunity to do exactly that has landed in my lap and I can either grasp that or walk away from it. This is one of those times when the fact that something is a bit scary probably means that it's worth doing.

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