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Well that didn't work. Nearly three weeks ago I ended the relationship that I thought I was pleased with the last time I posted here. I won't go into details because it wouldn't just be my laundry that I'd be airing but it actually wasn't working on several levels. It was not a bad experience though. I've learned more about myself, about what I want in a relationship, what I *need* in a relationship and what relationships can look like. I have many lovely people in my life and I'm not feeling a lack of love, even if I'm not sleeping with anyone.

Sleeping with people is tricky too these days...I've learnt that as well. In some ways my body is a tricky awkward thing now and it doesn't quite work like anyone else's. This will be a thing that needs thought, patience and understanding.

So where from here? Nowhere in particular right now, actually. There are people I have crushed on, people I could very easily crush on and even one or two who are pressing some buttons right now but I'm not chasing anyone. There's a part of me that is inclined to let my relationships with people be whatever they are. There are myriad different ways to engage with people: intellectual, emotional, romantic, sexual, sensual, tactile (yes those last three are all different) and they don't have to operate at the same level. Clever communicative people can work this stuff out and I've had some fascinating and provoking conversations of late about this sort of thing. So I shall just enjoy people's company and see where that leads.
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Things are still getting better. My stress levels are down, I'm making and retaining good connections with people and more and more I'm settling into my body.

Cut for talk about girly bits and how they're progressing. )

So I'm relaxed and happy. I've cleared some huge stresses from my life and starting to find new food for thought with regards to my sexuality. There's nothing that's a notable departure from where I was before but the removal of such a significant dysphoric dissonance and being so pleased with how my new body is progressing makes contemplating such things much less fraught and so much more promising. I think perhaps I've hit a good part which is such a relief after the past few months.
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Just over two weeks to go and there's a sense of too much to do and too little time in which to do it. This isn't actually the case but it feels that way and the temptation to procrastinate is perversely strong. I'm definitely starting to feel the stress. It's not so much that I'm consciously worrying about things but my body steps in and hits me with adrenal surges so sharp that I gasp like someone has poked me with a pin or I'll suddenly have to disappear from my desk at work and walk quickly and determinedly away so that I can burst into inexplicable tears in private. I'm also veering oddly between insomnia and finding myself falling asleep at inopportune time (ok, maybe the veering isn't so odd but it's inconvenient and disconcerting) I may need to be very conservative with my estimates of how much I can get done in a given amount of time in the final week.

There is more than just the stress of moving house and impending surgery to cope with. The loss of derby is still fresh enough for me to cry over under the right circumstances and while that's receding it's a sort of sour background fog that ties in with me being really fucking annoyed with my body, mostly because of the restrictions associated with my knee. This in turn relates to the way in which the impending reconfiguration of my body has me angry at myself for the indulgent comfort eating and excess of alcohol which in combination with almost no exercise has seen me gain 10 kg and lose a lot of hard won fitness. I worry about how to deal with that as I suspect I may be pushing too hard with that even now. It also has me re-evaluating aspects of my sexuality again which will place me even further into extravagant freak territory but which I cannot simply sweep under the rug and ignore - that bump is now too large. This will be part of how I contextualise myself in the future and not something I can ignore while actively trying to start dating again.

I've also made a tentative but enormous commitment which has a year long lead time and a lot of wrangling but would yet again turn my life upside down. It has a ratio of amazing and scary that probably means I absolutely have to do it if it's even remotely feasible but the very idea makes my brain fizz.

I can't actually effectively hold all of this in my mind at once. I'm trying very hard to focus on the important stuff that is happening really very soon now but the other things barge in and shout at me about how big and important and exciting and scary they are and how I need to think about them Right Now. This is not something that is calculated to promote calmness and rationality.

Still, there's not that much time left. As long as I do what I need to get done in the next couple of weeks, from that point I can just hang on for the ride and come out the other side with a much clearer mental and emotional landscape or at least one with a couple of huge and pressing elements removed. I just wish I could convince myself to put everything else aside until then.

Why am I doing this to myself?
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Something of a bipolar weekend. Saturday was more or less unalloyed awesomeness. Despite not being eligible to test due to lack of attendance (injury) I went along to the white star testing for derby. Several people said awfully nice things about how I skate and told me that had I been eligible to actually test I would have comfortably passed. I hung about to help out with the higher grade testing (time keeping for penalties) and they we went out to a bar afterwards. I'm really feeling the love at derby, my initial impressions of them as a group who would accept me for who and what I am have been thoroughly borne out. Super lovely people and I think I've found a new obsession. Also, the Racoon Club on Plenty Rd in Preston has nummeh beers at reasonable prices in a pleasing space in which it's possible to hold a non-shouted conversation on a Saturday evening. I heartily approve.

cut for whininess about relationships and general wibbling )
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A couple of firsts this weekend. I had my first electrolysis session yesterday. This will ultimately have a good outcome but in the meantime I'm paying not insignificant sums of money for the sensation of licking a 9V battery with my entire face non-stop for an hour. This is not pleasant. It also means a few days of being bristly chinned and another day of part of my face weeping from sorely abused follicles. Overall I don't like it at all but I will like the outcome and I want it badly enough to continue so I shall continue to don my big girl pants and suck it up.

The other first was my first derby training session. This was altogether much better. I had expected to enjoy it but I hadn't anticipated skating better now than I did ten years ago right from the start. The only thing I can ascribe this to is less weight and better fitness but however it works the whole session was utterly brilliant and this will most certainly continue as an exercise. Training sessions are Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday of each week so this is a substantial commitment. I will still prioritise part singing every second Tuesday but it still means five days of training per fortnight.This will do good things for me, I'm sure.

Ponderings about sexuality )


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April 2017

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