Jul. 20th, 2014 11:12 am
sacredchao: (Default)
It might be time to shake things up properly again.

To be honest, the very thing that's prompting this might be a very good reason why now is not the time to do it. I've been getting more and more hormonally out of whack pretty much since surgery, which is something I hadn't realised until I had a really good think about when this all started. I've had flat and off key patches which haven't really coincided with situational stuff and they've been getting worse until I'm now at the point of randomly fighting off context free tears and adrenal surges, especially at work. So I effectively got progressively escalating PMS that's been going on for months now. So this is the perfect time not to make life changing decisions because they may not be the most balanced ones. But I'm going to lay some groundwork and start thinking about it in earnest.

It mostly involves work. Even taking wobbly endocrine systems into account, work feeds me depressing stories every day and I'm increasingly starting to feel like I'm complicit in some appallingly bad management of people who need help far more than they need a sheriff's officer turning up on their doorstep. So the plan is to take some leave. I have a consultation on the 29th to get a referral to a trans friendly endocrinologist so hopefully this will resolve ongoing issues but in the meantime, if I take the time to re-evaluate how I want to live, talk with some good friends, assess alternatives and just have some relatively undemanding time then my life just might start shaking itself out in the way I've been waiting for it to do. It seems that I have to be the one who does the shaking. This is also very much about getting back to the process of moving out of my comfort zones. I'm not doing that anymore and it's a productive, empowering, transforming thing that I really ought to have as an ongoing part of my life.

So I will look and thing and talk and write and then once I've dealt with the body beating me about the emotional head and shoulders I can get serious about actually rejigging the parts of my life with which I'm dissatisfied. I have the ability to do this. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people I can conceive of who support me and want me to achieve things. I've demonstrated to myself that when I have a purpose and lever myself out of ruts, I can actually make things happen. It's time to stop believing that I can't actually do anything significant or worthwhile because I realise that's actually what I do think now that I see it all set down in words.

I've given myself time to move on from surgery and now I'm going nothing. I should stop doing nothing.
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A big step today, I booked the date for surgery. Don't invite me to anything on 23/04/13, I'm sort of busy. It's a couple of weeks later than I expected but really that's neither here nor there at this stage. So this is a big thing with attendant crazy stress levels. Coming on the heels of the news about my knee, it presents two huge stressors, both of which introduce considerable uncertainty. Yes, I expect surgery to resolve a lot of dissonance and confusion but I also know full well that once that happens there will be a whole new slab of myself to evaluate and place into context and it will result in me evolving and growing yet again. I have no idea what the result of this will be though, only that it will almost certainly happen and so I should not make any especially firm plans.

I have a job interview on Wednesday. It's for the permanent position for which I've just started the secondment. I like to think that the fact that I've been given the secondment bodes well for he permanent position but I rather badly want this one. It will be a quiet relaxing job around people I like, interacting only with other departments, not the general public. It also means a slight bump in pay. Want.

So these things along with various interpersonal whatsits happening at different levels for different reasons and the need to find a new place to live before surgery mean that I have enough uncertainty in my life to have pinged some sort of what-the-fuck-is-going-on threshold. I need to address one thing at a time, even if everything is clamouring for attention at once.

There are times when I just want to have a comfortable thing to curl up against though. My soul is craving safe and cozy and I'm really not finding that right now.

Level up!

Aug. 3rd, 2012 12:09 am
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Well I picked up the car on Tuesday and there has been a certain amount of gratuitous combustion of fossil fuel. I'm really very pleased with it and now I need to make sure I don't overuse it. Fortunately there's absolutely no danger of me using it to get to work and I still love my cycle commute so I'm not going to degenerate into a single mode of transport user. Hell, I even still prefer the train for a lot of things. So this simply opens up a lot of options for me and means that there will be fewer things that I'll bow out of due to transport issues. What car ownership does to my budget remains to be seen.

I used it to get to training tonight. There was a special session in Campbellfield run for the benefit of myself and three others who missed out on the recent star testing. True to form, there was plenty of support as other yellow star skaters turned up essentially to run through another testing session even though they'd already passed theirs. Each section of the testing is scored out of 5 with an average mark of 3 required to pass. I'm pretty pleased with my overall score of 4.7 and really, it's just passing that's the important part. So I'm now a yellow star which means I get to scrimmage (actually playing roller derby between our own skaters rather than just train) with the big girls now. So I'm very very pleased and I rather suspect that derby will take on yet another dimension as a result.

A less pleasing development is my secondment having ended I'm back in the call centre. This means every working day is filled to the brim with talking to people whose company I'd avoid if I had the choice. I realised this today while talking to a caller who I actually rather liked. On the positive side, I've been placed under the only team leader in the place who I actually prefer to my previous team leader who I like a great deal.

So overall there is positive development and I will watch with interest to see what I manage to build out of it all. Life is many things these days but I'm surely not finding it boring.
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A busy day yesterday. I got up bright and early to borrow a car from the lovely [personal profile] sjkasabi so that I could go shopping for my own. It turned out that the model that showed itself to be value for money at the price range was the late 90ish Holden Astra. I was looking at other things as well but in the end, party due to time constraints, test drove only two cars. The first was rather nice at first glance. A pleasing green and with a few extra bells and whistles. Once I started driving it though I immediately had a bad feeling about it - it really didn't quite feel right. I said non-committal things and continued on my way. At another car yard I found another Astra that was very nearly identical, albeit with few extra features. The main difference though was that it drove so very differently that I realised just how decrepit the first one had been and how mechanically good this second one felt. I did the usual round of driving tests and checked carefully for rust and accident damage (also remarkably clean in that regard) and promptly decided that this one was mine.

So I'm now very nearly the happy owner of a 1999 dark blue Holden Astra. I couldn't quite get a bank cheque on the day so my current plan is to get one tomorrow and then take that out to Mum's place (she lives just around the corner from the car yard) and see if she can't pick up the car on Tuesday. I can then drop by on the Tuesday evening and pick it up and still be on time for derby training as that doesn't start until 9pm.

It's been a long time since I've been car shopping, either for myself or anyone else. I don't think there's been anything that's come close to pointing up the differences in how I get treated these days. Secondhand car salesmen are generally not the most sophisticated of beasties and I was thoroughly bemused by just how remarkably different the experience was. It was occasionally hilarious...the first car didn't want to start and he tried to excuse it by saying that he'd accidentally flooded it. I pointed out that this was unlikely given that it's fuel injected and so has no throttle pump and delivers no fuel when the engine isn't running. The mixture of confusion and slight panic on his face was remarkable and I had to try awfully hard not to smirk at him. So there was a strange blend of solicitousness and condescension threaded through the whole experience. I realise that this is par for the course but there's still a great deal of novelty and validation in this for me so fascination still usually wins out over annoyance. I'm sure this will change and there were a couple of points when I didn't look half as closely at the contents of a car yard as I might have because the salesman seriously put me off.

Pleased with myself I headed off to derby. We didn't have training as such as it was fresh meat induction. 23 women turned up to have a go and I saw some real promise there, both amongst those who clearly already had some skating skills and the utter novices. A couple of them picked up suggestions that I made and integrated them really well despite being very uncertain on skates. I had some good chats with a few of them during the afternoon as well so I think Northside is going to gain some fantastic new members out of this group. After a couple of drinks at the Raccoon Club I headed home in a thoroughly good mood.

Today was spent servicing my sleep debt (which sounds so much better than "sleeping in" and does actually have an element of truth in it) and doing laundry. I have cooked very little lately so I went shopping and now have a bubbling pot of noms on the stove that I'm just about to have a bowlful of. I had an odd moment at the supermarket when the woman behind me at the checkout starting physically picking through my shopping on the conveyer belt at the checkout making comments about imported produce. Weird but in the end not worth getting invested in so I paid for my shopping and just left.

This week marks the end of my secondment at work. I have Monday and Tuesday as my final days in that department and then back down to the contact centre on Wednesday. I really don't want to go back to the phones. The couple of short stints i did last week have reinforced this. Still, I get the impression that it's only a matter of time until I go back to business support. There was a departmental meeting on Friday and several people said really nice things about me and my work so if there's another opening up there I suspect that any expression of interest from me will be viewed favourably. Also, if things go to usual form, I'm also likely to get a degree of priority for other alternative duties. I may not like the work in the contact centre overmuch but I like the people and the company so for now I think it's time to suck it up and bide my time. The security and stability that this employer provides means that I'd have to be offered something an great deal better even to consider changing.
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I've been working as an acting team leader this week. I'm loving the role but have been a little disappointed that it's only for the one week. I've just been told that we're creating a new team in the contact centre and the team leader who manages this team will be taking over them, leaving me here in the hot seat for the time being. I am extra super mega pleased at this; I'm enjoying this work even more than I expected. Most pleased.
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The annual cocktail party that's become one of the highlights of my year was last night and was, as it always is, a huge amount of fun. It seemed weird not to be there all day as I have in previous years. In retrospect, the setting up and being there until the last guest staggers out the door was part of the event and I didn't have that this year. This isn't to say that I didn't have a good time. The lovely [personal profile] hometime and JB have been wonderfully hospitable and the party itself was still fantastic.

I caught up with a number of people who I haven't seen since this time last year and I had a couple of instances of "Have we met before, you look familiar." and similar things. This was actually huge fun and everyone who had to take a moment to realise who I was also said nice things. The dress I wore was an op-shop find from a couple of months ago that had to particular purpose at the time but which just had to come home with me. It's a spaghetti strapped sheath dress with a dark red underlayer and a black lace overlayer which I very much like. I swapped between a rather nice grey wrap and my usual black velvet bolero. The shoes were given to me some time ago by [profile] ms_killian and are heels which were tall enough to give me pause last time I wore them, but I managed to get medium squiffy in them this time without any real issues so I think I'm comfortable in them. I think I managed to avoid the enthusiastic small child look with the makeup. I think I badly need to play with this more so that on the rare occasions that I do use it, it holds fewer terrors for me. Maybe I need more frockup time's an empowering thing as I feel less uncomfortable and more like I might actually look good each time I do it. A fun thing in any case.

Back to work on Tuesday and hopefully to find that I've got a new position as team leader at work. I had a call on Friday as they'd promised, but only to tell me that they'd not yet made any final decisions. This job doesn't really have any downsides. The work is more interesting, it (mostly) gets me off the phones, it bumps my pay up a bit...really all good. I live in hope.


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