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A view from a bridge
Jul. 22nd, 2011 07:25 pmFour months ago I posted to say that it had been four months since I started taking hormones and wondered what my life would look like in another four months. Well, here I am.
It's an odd place. I am distinctly not a man and nor can I pretend to be one when it's convenient. I am also distinctly not yet a woman, nor can I easily pass as one when I really want to. Unfortunately I think I'm more hermaphroditic than androgynous which isn't really how I'd like to present. Still, I yam what I yam and there's no escaping it so I just have to shoulder the freak flag and get on with it and I'm finding that people are being really very polite about it, at least to my face. For myself, I'm increasingly pleased with the parts of my body which are changing and increasingly annoyed with the parts that I can't change or can't change yet. I view myself differently. For all that I hated my old physicality it was known and familiar and I knew how to relate to it. Looking back on my old physicality and even my old name now, it no longer seems like me to the point of being quite alien. It was a person I knew and who is no longer part of my life. There's a disconnect there which I hadn't anticipated and which I haven't yet fully explored. I think I like it but I don't yet really have a full understanding of it.
It's been very nearly six months since I separated from my wife who I suppose is really not my wife anymore in any sense other than legally. I still see her occasionally and hope that the awkwardness will ease to the point where we can talk to each other normally again. We got along really very well at one point and there were some good reasons for that. There are a few reasons why this could be difficult but I think there are also reasons why we should, in the end, be able to enjoy talking to each other again rather than simply participating in the same conversations with other people in the same room.
There are an increasing number of people in my life who have only ever known me as "Forth" and who have never met the man I used to be known as. Most of them are at work but others have drifted into my life outside of work as well. The new real me is becoming more and more normalised. It's not a thing to wedge people's perceptions into anymore, it's just me. I might be a bit odd in some respects, but in the end it's just who I am. Because of that I'm also getting less shy about asserting that. I've found that if I do so politely, nobody seems especially put out by that either.
My social circles are morphing around me, occasionally sometimes quite radically. People who I know change their relationships with each other, change their routines, and so the way I interact with them is affected as well, even if I'm not directly involved in what's going on. This happens to everyone but I'm seeing it as a part of my social landscape altering. The people remain but can be more or less prominent in my life. I've been somewhat absent from some groups for a variety of reasons, mostly me curling into a ball and only wanting basic interactions, not events that need planning or preparation for...I just haven't had the gumption. That may be gradually changing and there are people I just don't want to drift away from.
So my life changes and I note that mostly I frame it in terms of my friends. There are some good reasons for that. I have old connections to reopen, potential connections to examine and pursue and I see a very great deal of potential in some of those. There are also notably fewer tears albeit a few here and there around the edges.
The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't really look that much like a train anymore. I still have no idea what my life will look like further down the track but I'm feeling increasingly optimistic about it.
It's an odd place. I am distinctly not a man and nor can I pretend to be one when it's convenient. I am also distinctly not yet a woman, nor can I easily pass as one when I really want to. Unfortunately I think I'm more hermaphroditic than androgynous which isn't really how I'd like to present. Still, I yam what I yam and there's no escaping it so I just have to shoulder the freak flag and get on with it and I'm finding that people are being really very polite about it, at least to my face. For myself, I'm increasingly pleased with the parts of my body which are changing and increasingly annoyed with the parts that I can't change or can't change yet. I view myself differently. For all that I hated my old physicality it was known and familiar and I knew how to relate to it. Looking back on my old physicality and even my old name now, it no longer seems like me to the point of being quite alien. It was a person I knew and who is no longer part of my life. There's a disconnect there which I hadn't anticipated and which I haven't yet fully explored. I think I like it but I don't yet really have a full understanding of it.
It's been very nearly six months since I separated from my wife who I suppose is really not my wife anymore in any sense other than legally. I still see her occasionally and hope that the awkwardness will ease to the point where we can talk to each other normally again. We got along really very well at one point and there were some good reasons for that. There are a few reasons why this could be difficult but I think there are also reasons why we should, in the end, be able to enjoy talking to each other again rather than simply participating in the same conversations with other people in the same room.
There are an increasing number of people in my life who have only ever known me as "Forth" and who have never met the man I used to be known as. Most of them are at work but others have drifted into my life outside of work as well. The new real me is becoming more and more normalised. It's not a thing to wedge people's perceptions into anymore, it's just me. I might be a bit odd in some respects, but in the end it's just who I am. Because of that I'm also getting less shy about asserting that. I've found that if I do so politely, nobody seems especially put out by that either.
My social circles are morphing around me, occasionally sometimes quite radically. People who I know change their relationships with each other, change their routines, and so the way I interact with them is affected as well, even if I'm not directly involved in what's going on. This happens to everyone but I'm seeing it as a part of my social landscape altering. The people remain but can be more or less prominent in my life. I've been somewhat absent from some groups for a variety of reasons, mostly me curling into a ball and only wanting basic interactions, not events that need planning or preparation for...I just haven't had the gumption. That may be gradually changing and there are people I just don't want to drift away from.
So my life changes and I note that mostly I frame it in terms of my friends. There are some good reasons for that. I have old connections to reopen, potential connections to examine and pursue and I see a very great deal of potential in some of those. There are also notably fewer tears albeit a few here and there around the edges.
The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't really look that much like a train anymore. I still have no idea what my life will look like further down the track but I'm feeling increasingly optimistic about it.
