Anxieties that stack for easy storage.

I'm feeling odd. Today was full of little adrenal panic attacks from the moment I woke. All I really wanted to do when they happened was lay down and stop moving or thinking and on a couple of occasions when I was assured of total privacy I did precisely that. I really hope that this is a short lived and unique thing that I don't have to deal with again. I made it through the day at work despite non-functional computer systems for half the day condensing my workload to an afternoon of crazed keyboard thumping.

Still hating my body. I'm fat and slow and fed up with both of these aspects. I have a consultation on Thursday about my knee which may explain the fit of nerves today. I *am* nervous about this because an unfavourable diagnosis could badly dent my lifestyle and ability to work with my body. Nervous isn't really a strong enough word - I'm scared that my current limitations could be permanent or that the limitations that will be permanent will be close enough to what I currently have to make no real difference. I'm kind of dealing with the things I can't do on the basis that they're something that isn't forever. If they are forever there will be tears.

Surgery is closer. Less fear and more excitement with this but still the trepidation that comes with a big life event. There will be pain and work to recover and a whole new round of coming to terms with myself and I have no idea exactly where that's going to leave me.

I also have a job interview tomorrow. I had an interview for the four week secondment that will cover the period up until they finalise the permanent placement but this one is for the permanent position. I want this position. So that's more nervousness.

Attendant to surgery in a way is the desire to move. I want that to happen before surgery or I'll be stuck here for a few months longer which I don't especially want. I need to start making that happen.

I think I would like one aspect of my life not to freak me out for a while. Something relaxing and comfortable. Right now I don't really have that which leaves me without a retreat. There we go - that's the insight that comes with typing stuff out like this. Now I know why I'm a twitching mess I might have a chance of working out what to do. Maybe. Fuck.

Proud

I went to Pride March on Sunday and participated in the march with Vagine Regime, who are the queer community within roller derby. I had skates on from about midday right through until I eventually fell into my car again at about 9 o'clock that night. Despite the fact that there was a lot of sitting about, this meant that I had wheels on my feet for nine glorious hours and I now have a serious itch for more street skating.

The march itself was great. There was a lot of noise and a lot of happy people and a lot of people who were specifically stoked to see a bunch of queer women on skates making a spectacle of themselves in the middle of St Kilda. We collapsed in a happy sweaty pile under a tree for a while before more or less randomly dispersing. Myself and Kaylee wound up in the company of a lovely couple, one of which is a relatively recent addition to Northside and the other skates with East Vic. A comedy of errors culminated in a frenetic street skate in a pack of four down Flinders St, over the bridge and along Southbank and through to Crown Casino carpark. We were all comfy on skates and while the pace wasn't punishing, we were all smooth and moderately fast and there were few enough pedestrians that we could just open up and skate as hard as we wanted to without incident. We got to Crown sweaty and grinning and exclaiming over how amazing a skate it was. There was an interlude of not finding the car, giving up on being good by walking and donning skates again in order to search the carpark more quickly including an en masse descent of a ramp at speed to a lower level. Various losings of tickets to leave the parking spot and triumphant findings of ticket later we finally got out of there and paused for one last beer in a pub just off Chapel St before dropping new friends off at Malvern station.

I do like derbygirls.