Life in a bubble

[sacredchao]

Nearly two weeks on and I think 'nise is gone. This has left me aware of the fact that her's was the sole unconditional love I've had for the past two to three years. She waited out the front of the house nearly every day to greet me when I returned home from work, sat with me in the evening, vetted and then adopted my friends as her own and was my constant companion. All my current relationships are in some way at arm's length. There has been nobody who has unreservedly wanted me in their life for about three years now. This is not to say that I don't value my friends. I very much do. They've kept me sane and safe and loved. But I miss having someone's face light up and their voice brighten when they see me at the same moment that I feel delight in being around them. I miss quiet unfussed intimacy. I miss being special. For all that she was just a stripy cat, Anise delighted me and was delighted by me daily. That deep reciprocal love from a person is all the more special and it's clearer to me now how badly absent that has been. The freakshow feeling is stronger just from contemplating that. People will let me in as a friend and will occasionally let me close physically. I wonder how much closer than that I'll get to someone.