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A couple of firsts this weekend. I had my first electrolysis session yesterday. This will ultimately have a good outcome but in the meantime I'm paying not insignificant sums of money for the sensation of licking a 9V battery with my entire face non-stop for an hour. This is not pleasant. It also means a few days of being bristly chinned and another day of part of my face weeping from sorely abused follicles. Overall I don't like it at all but I will like the outcome and I want it badly enough to continue so I shall continue to don my big girl pants and suck it up.

The other first was my first derby training session. This was altogether much better. I had expected to enjoy it but I hadn't anticipated skating better now than I did ten years ago right from the start. The only thing I can ascribe this to is less weight and better fitness but however it works the whole session was utterly brilliant and this will most certainly continue as an exercise. Training sessions are Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday of each week so this is a substantial commitment. I will still prioritise part singing every second Tuesday but it still means five days of training per fortnight.This will do good things for me, I'm sure.


I'm beginning to think that I'm not so much craving a relationship as wanting to understand my own sexuality. The last time I slept with anyone was well over a year ago and I'm very much not the person I was then, either emotionally or physically. I have to acknowledge that I don't really know myself in that respect anymore. I very much don't know my own body. Its range of sensitivities has altered; its response to stimuli is different and I have no idea how I'll react to someone touching me. This is further complicated by the fact that for some time to come the images in my head when I imagine being intimate with someone are not something which I can actually reproduce, no matter how perfect my partner might be, simply because I'm not built for it. Parts of my body are outright wrong and that will only be resolved some time from now. This means that I actually don't really know what I'd want from a sexual encounter at the moment. It would be something that would have to be explored gently and progressively and with the understanding I might occasionally baulk and implode emotionally. I have to allow myself to do that and I have to be honest with anyone I wind up potentially being intimate with about that.

There are social presentation ponderings as well. Identifying as a somewhat butch dyke should not mean having to doubt my femininity. As I've said before, there is a world of difference between a tomboy and a boy. Muscular athletic femininity has a distinctly different aspect to muscular athletic masculinity and I know what I want to embody and project. This in turn plays strangely with how I want to interact with a partner intimately. I find myself hesitant as to exactly how much to share here, even behind a cut but it involves the dynamics of who holds and who is held. Who initiates and who responds. The assumed roles of heterosexuality have always frustrated me and I do hope that the elimination of complementary gender roles in a lesbian relationship will allow a greater degree of flexibility in these. This at least is what I fondly imagine to be the case in my head. I suspect that there are aspects of this which simply aren't susceptible to being resolved through abstract musings and will only become apparent through actually being in a relationship. It's something I to which I look forward with anticipation and not a little trepidation. Gosh it'll be interesting though.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-19 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kirieldp.livejournal.com
You might want to consider laser instead of electrolysis... it is more expensive, but faster, and more effective for areas with a lot of hair, rather than the follicle by follicle agony which is electrolysis.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-19 10:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sacred-chao.livejournal.com
I started with IPL which is much the same deal. It provides a great deal of reduction, but there is regrowth and it's never 100% effective. Electrolysis is the tidyup portion of the exercise.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freakygems.livejournal.com
Relationships and sexual encounters can be anything you want them to be - even a cuddle buddie :)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-28 12:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sacred-chao.livejournal.com
Once I find a consenting partner of like mind, yes :)

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