...and what exactly am I meant to do with *this*?

[sacredchao]

I went to an equal marriage rights rally yesterday. It's an issue which may or may not affect me someday but which resonates strongly with me regardless. I stood about and watched people with their partners and found myself wishing that my relationship hurdles were just legal. Having watched relationships dissolve and reform lately has made me more acutely aware of what is missing in my life and made me think about it more closely. I said in an earlier post that I'm not really all that interested in sex anymore and I've realised that that's not entirely true. What I'm not interested in is sex as a man or at least with some fundamentally male physical aspects. Surgery is at least a year away, likely somewhat further and the phrase "trapped in the wrong body" has taken on another facet and it's a rather nasty one. I cannot be intimate with anybody on my own terms no matter how loving and perfect and willing and understanding a partner might appear in my life.

So I have a seethingly jealous resentment of anyone happily in a relationship right now, now matter how unreasonable and irrational that might be and it's compounded with other background emotional twitches that only add to that sense of disenfranchisement from the rest of the community in that respect. I don't know how I'm going to resolve this in my mind...I'm a year and $20k from a more tangible solution so I have to come to grips with it somehow. I suppose that the chances of me winding up in a relationship in that time is slim in any case but right now it feels oppressive.

I hate this body.

[edit:] I am reminded again of this. (erotic transdyke poetry...just so you can make up your mind whether you want to look or not) Every time I read that I WANT it with a strength that make me cry and frightens me a little. I don't read it often.