...and what exactly am I meant to do with *this*?

[sacredchao]

I went to an equal marriage rights rally yesterday. It's an issue which may or may not affect me someday but which resonates strongly with me regardless. I stood about and watched people with their partners and found myself wishing that my relationship hurdles were just legal. Having watched relationships dissolve and reform lately has made me more acutely aware of what is missing in my life and made me think about it more closely. I said in an earlier post that I'm not really all that interested in sex anymore and I've realised that that's not entirely true. What I'm not interested in is sex as a man or at least with some fundamentally male physical aspects. Surgery is at least a year away, likely somewhat further and the phrase "trapped in the wrong body" has taken on another facet and it's a rather nasty one. I cannot be intimate with anybody on my own terms no matter how loving and perfect and willing and understanding a partner might appear in my life.

So I have a seethingly jealous resentment of anyone happily in a relationship right now, now matter how unreasonable and irrational that might be and it's compounded with other background emotional twitches that only add to that sense of disenfranchisement from the rest of the community in that respect. I don't know how I'm going to resolve this in my mind...I'm a year and $20k from a more tangible solution so I have to come to grips with it somehow. I suppose that the chances of me winding up in a relationship in that time is slim in any case but right now it feels oppressive.

I hate this body.

[edit:] I am reminded again of this. (erotic transdyke poetry...just so you can make up your mind whether you want to look or not) Every time I read that I WANT it with a strength that make me cry and frightens me a little. I don't read it often.

Comments

[ant-queen.livejournal.com]

That's a gorgeous poem. I know we don't know each other very well yet, but what you've written really resonated with me so I hope it's okay that I share my thoughts.

While I have a different situation, I can empathise with the sheer frustration of a body that no longer feels like it's the one you should be in. That complete disconnect of a mind full of being "you" and a body that feels foreign. In my case it was getting fibromyalgia and having what was a fit and health body replaced by one that is weak, stiff, and hurts all the time.

Despite having accepted my condition I still feel that sharp pang of "missing out" when I see those around me who are able to do all the things I can't, the things I used to be able to do and took for granted. I had a long period (years) where I wasn't able to be intimate and even though I have a loving and caring partner, not being able to be close in that way really hurt emotionally. I honestly felt like I was an "incomplete" woman because I couldn't express myself in that way. I'm eternally grateful that I was able to get past that period, but I still remember it keenly.

For what it's worth, I've been seeing a health psychologist for a few months now and I've found that's really helped me to get past some of the aspects of my physical being that I've often hated in the past and to find happiness within myself. Something that has been reinforced for me recently is that I'm attracted to people for who they as a person and things like gender, race, age, ability etc.. are irrelevant if I feel a connection. If I hold that view to other people, I can extend it to myself and love myself for being who I am, not my body.

[crazyjane13.livejournal.com]

There are no easy answers, and I suspect you'd feel patronised if anyone tried a glib 'it gets better' response.

Guess all I can say is I feel for you, and wish with all my heart that the time comes soon when you are once and for all completely the person you need to be, and that there will be someone (or several someones) who sees you and loves you and makes you feel wonderful and completely loved.