sacredchao | Smurf me baby, smurf me hard.

Ok, so I've internalised the idea that I'm trans and I'm actually good with that to the point that I've heartily embraced it as part of my identity. I've also been examining my sexuality and coming to grips with the idea that while I have distinct preferences with regards to gender, I am in effect bisexual. All good. I'm apparently queer as fuck but I can not merely accept that but be happy with it. Go me. But...I've come across a few articles on polyamory lately and thinking "God, that sounds so SANE." and that's the point where I jack up and think wait...what?

I have so many factors jacking about with my internal levels of desire and ideas of intimacy that I am seriously all over the place. I can't work out if this particular thing is me trying to work my shit out or actually something else I need to factor into my personal intimacy landscape. It doesn't seem to matter that I don't even have *one* partner. A conversation tonight had me thinking about this as a legitimate part of my headspace with respect to how I relate to the idea of intimacy.

So how much of a complete fringe dwelling headcase am I really? All of these particular quirks are completely reasonable but I'm starting to feel like I'm seriously marginalising myself. I mean really...wtf? Therapist session on Saturday. On top of all the other craziness in my life, I think I'm due.

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I think there's a couple of levels to answering that. I don't have to define a relationship at the moment. Even entering into a relationship right now would be fraught in a few ways so there's no urgency in that respect. It does strink an immediate chord with me though and on top of the other personal revelations I've had I'm starting to feel like I'm painting myself into a corner and struggling to integrate myself in a way that lets me have a coherent picture of who I am. I'm sitting in the downstairs break room at work, about to leave as I simply cannot deal with work anymore today and I'm twitchy and *this* close to going onto a corner somewhere to have a cry. I keep finding ways in which I don't fit into the world and I'm starting to feel profoundly socially disenfranchised for all that I have lovely supportive people around me. So I need a better integrated and resolved image of myself purely for the sake of not feeling like I'm coming apart at the seams.

Ah, right, sorry I was being far too literal and concrete. This is more of a "is there anyone out there who is like me" musing than a "does polyamory appeal to me" musing.
I think you will find you are not alone, and that there are many, many people who are like you. But, there is only one Forth, no-one else can ever be Forth, and this is a most excellent thing.
Me, I'm fairly vanilla, with the occassional sprinkle of hundreds and thousands. If you are a peanut butter with frosting and sprinkles gal, more power to you! I only wish I were that liberal.

Oh there's a bit of both in there. This has only *just* hit me as a realisation so there's still an aspect of working out if it's real or not although early indications are "yes" as it was a rather palpable hit. Peanut butter with frosting and sprinkles I could handle, I'm starting to feel like peanut butter with black jelly beans and anchovies. Something to offend everyone.

Personally, I think we may all have something to offend everyone. It's how that's coped with (on all sides) that's the issue. Just my two cents.

Smurf me baby, smurf me hard.

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