Broken

Sep. 17th, 2012 08:16 pm
sacredchao: (Default)
[personal profile] sacredchao
I think I've hit the point where the effects of this injury have gotten properly under my skin. It's playing with my head on several levels and I think I'm beyond simply grumpy with it. I'm heavily invested in both cycling and skating. They're the activities where I feel graceful and strong and deft and actually like my body for what it can do. I'm also invested in being fit...getting fit and relatively lean has been the way in which I've been able to assert some measure of control over my body for the past year or so and that's really important to me. Now I've lost that control, my fitness has already declined sharply in one sedentary month, my clothes are getting tight and I'm finding now that I don't *trust* my body any more, nor am I completely sanguine that it's actually going to heal properly. I tried skating briefly yesterday just to see what the new outdoors wheels I have are like and I was uncertain and nervous and scared that I was going to fall and aggravate my knee further. I've started to take for granted that I'm comfortable on skates. Finding myself so wary and apprehensive was incredibly unsettling. Also, for all that I totally have the support of my derby team and I've been playing NSO, the fact that I haven't been training for that long has led to me feeling like there's a bit of a disconnect there. I'm being helpful and that's appreciated but I don't feel like a skater anymore because, well, I'm not. I want the use of my body back and I want to be able to trust and like it again. Right now there's not a damn thing about it that pleases me and I rather badly need to find *something* good about it.

I suspect that this is the key reason why I've been so SO angry at things lately. I'm noticing the ways in which I'm disenfranchised and seeing my friends similarly affected. Someone I know encountered blatant transphobic discrimination today. There's nothing ambiguous about being referred to as a "gender-bender". I've been distracted by it for the rest of the day and while I'd normally be thoroughly pissed off by it, it's not something that would have me physically twitchy and exhausted. I'm feeling thoroughly snarky at *everything* and I think I really do need to get some perspective or I'm going to wind up halfway burnt out. I'm grumpy and pessimistic about more or less everything in my life at the moment and that's not a good way to live.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-20 09:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] taleya.livejournal.com
Ugh, as patronising as it sounds, welcome to the world of permanent injury (hopefully just a brief sojourn)

If you have access to a gym, or someone with equipment even (we do) see if you can get some time on one of those leg press thingies - the ones where you push with your feet to lift the weights. The stretch and flex really gives you a good idea of where your knee is at, and you have the weights right there in front of you as an accurate gauge of how much they can take. Depending on how it's fucked and where it goes, braces are also useful - personally if I get twitchy about mine I have that great strapping fucker that will make it physically impossible for the cap to slip out of place. So even if it does go, it's still structurally sound. Makes all the world of difference - both physically and psychologically

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