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sacredchaoSpent the day thinking and thinking and thinking until I was nauseous and confused and about to shout at the next prat on the phone. I gave up and left work about two hours early, went to a friend's place and had a not entirely explainable uncontrolled crying fit. I strongly suspect that there are multiple factors in this and that because they all interrelate and influence each other there's a big ugly snarled ball of fear and jealousy and confusion and grief and a heavy seasoning of self-doubt and just not being satisfied with myself. Regardless of why it happened it was exhausting. I'm going to try hard to go to work tomorrow regardless. I realise that this isn't necessarily the best response to an emotional crash but I'm getting utterly fed up with the things after close to a year of them. I want my headspace back. I want some sort of say in who and what I am rather than letting my subconscious mind knee me in my emotional solar-plexus and lead me about by one ear as it's been doing. Over. It.
I have supportive friends. I have places to go where I can talk to people. I have a therapist session booked on Saturday morning (and won't the account of the past six weeks be entertaining for him?) I can and will and must sort my own understanding of myself out or this is going to proceed messily and nobody wants that, least of all me. Going to go to bed now. I hope to sleep but I'm not making promises.
I have supportive friends. I have places to go where I can talk to people. I have a therapist session booked on Saturday morning (and won't the account of the past six weeks be entertaining for him?) I can and will and must sort my own understanding of myself out or this is going to proceed messily and nobody wants that, least of all me. Going to go to bed now. I hope to sleep but I'm not making promises.
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-08-25 01:35 pm (UTC)Lots of hugs, hon. Be gentle with yourself.
Hug yourself
Date: 2011-08-25 09:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-08-26 02:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-08-26 02:45 am (UTC)For later, when you can think again -
the desire to regain control of one's life sounds similar to that experienced by our CFS/Fybro friends. Perhaps they will have some useful resources for you. I'm thinking of ant_queen and splozza in particular.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-08-26 04:53 am (UTC)