Smurf me baby, smurf me hard.

Ok, so I've internalised the idea that I'm trans and I'm actually good with that to the point that I've heartily embraced it as part of my identity. I've also been examining my sexuality and coming to grips with the idea that while I have distinct preferences with regards to gender, I am in effect bisexual. All good. I'm apparently queer as fuck but I can not merely accept that but be happy with it. Go me. But...I've come across a few articles on polyamory lately and thinking "God, that sounds so SANE." and that's the point where I jack up and think wait...what?

I have so many factors jacking about with my internal levels of desire and ideas of intimacy that I am seriously all over the place. I can't work out if this particular thing is me trying to work my shit out or actually something else I need to factor into my personal intimacy landscape. It doesn't seem to matter that I don't even have *one* partner. A conversation tonight had me thinking about this as a legitimate part of my headspace with respect to how I relate to the idea of intimacy.

So how much of a complete fringe dwelling headcase am I really? All of these particular quirks are completely reasonable but I'm starting to feel like I'm seriously marginalising myself. I mean really...wtf? Therapist session on Saturday. On top of all the other craziness in my life, I think I'm due.

In which Forth discovers that she hasn't the Faintest Fucking Idea what's going on.

Spent the day thinking and thinking and thinking until I was nauseous and confused and about to shout at the next prat on the phone. I gave up and left work about two hours early, went to a friend's place and had a not entirely explainable uncontrolled crying fit. I strongly suspect that there are multiple factors in this and that because they all interrelate and influence each other there's a big ugly snarled ball of fear and jealousy and confusion and grief and a heavy seasoning of self-doubt and just not being satisfied with myself. Regardless of why it happened it was exhausting. I'm going to try hard to go to work tomorrow regardless. I realise that this isn't necessarily the best response to an emotional crash but I'm getting utterly fed up with the things after close to a year of them. I want my headspace back. I want some sort of say in who and what I am rather than letting my subconscious mind knee me in my emotional solar-plexus and lead me about by one ear as it's been doing. Over. It.

I have supportive friends. I have places to go where I can talk to people. I have a therapist session booked on Saturday morning (and won't the account of the past six weeks be entertaining for him?) I can and will and must sort my own understanding of myself out or this is going to proceed messily and nobody wants that, least of all me. Going to go to bed now. I hope to sleep but I'm not making promises.