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I do like these evenings. The lovely Ms B has yet again appeared from Sydney, declared an evening of dinner and conversation and, having paid for the lot, discharged me into the evening in a really very good mood. This is a habit about which I simply cannot find the will to complain.
So summer is here. Long evenings, warmer weather (certainly not balmy at the moment, but neither am I feeling actively cold) and I'm consciously drawing a line here and now. A year ago I was watching my life disintegrate. My marriage was in its final throes and I was desperately trying to get the resources together to move out. In the intervening 12 months I have had the hardest, saddest year of my life. I have cried and feared and had very little idea what lay in the future. In many ways I've been incredibly fortunate compared to others in my position but it's still been the most surreal time.
Enough angst. I'm finding the headspace now to have a life that's not entirely focussed on the process of transition. This means I've started pushing forward at work and, with the somewhat extended secondment as a team leader, having some success. I'm hoping to re-engage with more of the old aspects of my life although that will depend on resources and how various social arrangements shake themselves out, including to what extent they include me. There are a few incompatible viewpoints to resolve which has required me to take a few steps back and consider how to negotiate my relationships with some people. This falls firmly in the "enough angst" category. The coming year is a time to move forwards. Less awkwardness, less worry, less ambiguity and more consolidation of myself, my relationships (whatever form they take) and the aspects of my life that make life more than just survival.
I realised recently that the things I love most are all so much better if you make them yourself rather than simply consuming them and doubly so if made in the company of others and shared joyously. I'm thinking of food, music and language but that applies to so many things. I want picnics and singing and crazy communal kitchen doings and enthused ranty chatter. I've said over and over again this past year and more than I want my life back. "My life" isn't what it once was and never will be again. I can pursue those parts most worth having and make the rest up as I go though. I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing nor with who a year from now but it has to be a lot more fun finding out than the last year has been.
Wow, I might almost be a vaguely coherent person again. I like that idea.
So summer is here. Long evenings, warmer weather (certainly not balmy at the moment, but neither am I feeling actively cold) and I'm consciously drawing a line here and now. A year ago I was watching my life disintegrate. My marriage was in its final throes and I was desperately trying to get the resources together to move out. In the intervening 12 months I have had the hardest, saddest year of my life. I have cried and feared and had very little idea what lay in the future. In many ways I've been incredibly fortunate compared to others in my position but it's still been the most surreal time.
Enough angst. I'm finding the headspace now to have a life that's not entirely focussed on the process of transition. This means I've started pushing forward at work and, with the somewhat extended secondment as a team leader, having some success. I'm hoping to re-engage with more of the old aspects of my life although that will depend on resources and how various social arrangements shake themselves out, including to what extent they include me. There are a few incompatible viewpoints to resolve which has required me to take a few steps back and consider how to negotiate my relationships with some people. This falls firmly in the "enough angst" category. The coming year is a time to move forwards. Less awkwardness, less worry, less ambiguity and more consolidation of myself, my relationships (whatever form they take) and the aspects of my life that make life more than just survival.
I realised recently that the things I love most are all so much better if you make them yourself rather than simply consuming them and doubly so if made in the company of others and shared joyously. I'm thinking of food, music and language but that applies to so many things. I want picnics and singing and crazy communal kitchen doings and enthused ranty chatter. I've said over and over again this past year and more than I want my life back. "My life" isn't what it once was and never will be again. I can pursue those parts most worth having and make the rest up as I go though. I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing nor with who a year from now but it has to be a lot more fun finding out than the last year has been.
Wow, I might almost be a vaguely coherent person again. I like that idea.
