Broken

I think I've hit the point where the effects of this injury have gotten properly under my skin. It's playing with my head on several levels and I think I'm beyond simply grumpy with it. I'm heavily invested in both cycling and skating. They're the activities where I feel graceful and strong and deft and actually like my body for what it can do. I'm also invested in being fit...getting fit and relatively lean has been the way in which I've been able to assert some measure of control over my body for the past year or so and that's really important to me. Now I've lost that control, my fitness has already declined sharply in one sedentary month, my clothes are getting tight and I'm finding now that I don't *trust* my body any more, nor am I completely sanguine that it's actually going to heal properly. I tried skating briefly yesterday just to see what the new outdoors wheels I have are like and I was uncertain and nervous and scared that I was going to fall and aggravate my knee further. I've started to take for granted that I'm comfortable on skates. Finding myself so wary and apprehensive was incredibly unsettling. Also, for all that I totally have the support of my derby team and I've been playing NSO, the fact that I haven't been training for that long has led to me feeling like there's a bit of a disconnect there. I'm being helpful and that's appreciated but I don't feel like a skater anymore because, well, I'm not. I want the use of my body back and I want to be able to trust and like it again. Right now there's not a damn thing about it that pleases me and I rather badly need to find *something* good about it.

I suspect that this is the key reason why I've been so SO angry at things lately. I'm noticing the ways in which I'm disenfranchised and seeing my friends similarly affected. Someone I know encountered blatant transphobic discrimination today. There's nothing ambiguous about being referred to as a "gender-bender". I've been distracted by it for the rest of the day and while I'd normally be thoroughly pissed off by it, it's not something that would have me physically twitchy and exhausted. I'm feeling thoroughly snarky at *everything* and I think I really do need to get some perspective or I'm going to wind up halfway burnt out. I'm grumpy and pessimistic about more or less everything in my life at the moment and that's not a good way to live.