sacredchao (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sacredchao) wrote2013-03-25 12:01 am
sacredchao) wrote2013-03-25 12:01 am
Entry tags:
Advent
Two years, four months and two days ago I started taking estrogen. I've taken it every day ever since. Tomorrow will be the last dose I take for a while. This is because Tuesday marks the point where there are only four weeks until I go in for surgery. Apparently an elevated amount of estrogen ais a risk during surgery (it is for cisgendered women as well but there's no way to regulate it in that case)
I'm starting to pack my things, work through lists of things I have to do and I am thinking of little else but moving house and surgery. Moving house also happens in four weeks, the weekend before surgery. I could wish it was a week earlier but some things just can't happen so I guess I suck it up and deal. It essentially means that I'll do a quick and dirty setup in the room that will be my bedroom so I have a bed to sleep on and access to my clothes and everything else will be shoved into the other room to be dealt with when I get home after surgery. Unpacking will be a slow and gentle exercise, methinks.
I don't think I'm especially scared. I'm appropriately wary of the risks associated with surgery but short of not going ahead with this there's nothing I can do about that so it's not worth getting worked up over and I'm not. I'm a little more edgy about the pain that I know will be involved but again, that will be what it will be and falls into "suck it up" territory. Price of admission and all that. It's what comes after that. New home, readjustments to make to how I see myself. I suppose my life won't change that much but what will change will be that I will no longer have a major goal to push towards with transition. I'll have done all the big stuff and, to paraphrase Hitchikers' Guide to the Galaxy, anything I still can't deal with will therefore be my problem. What next? I broke my life apart, threw away several large chunks of it and then set myself to focus almost entirely on the process of transition. I need to be aware that I'm not going to have much in the way of goals after this and be ready for the "now what?" questions. If I'm honest, I think that's what I'm nervous about now. Once I've negotiated the big stuff I'll be left with just a life like everyone else. It'll come with a couple of extra challenges but so do many other people's. To survive isn't enough, I'll need more purpose than that. There's no big rush I guess but even so.
Having said all that I suspect that I really shouldn't underestimate the fact that there will be several levels of coming to grips with what I'm about to do. I'm not even sure what that will entail but it's not going to be a case of dusting off my hands and getting on with life as if nothing has happened. Even putting aside healing, I think I'm going to be re-examining myself yet again. Let's be honest, I have no idea how I'm going to feel at that point. Lots of general purpose bracing knowing nothing except that there's a significant probability of post-surgical depression. That's a very long winded way of saying that this is a big deal and I have no idea what to expect afterwards. As usual though, getting it out of my head helps it to make more sense.
I watched a video about body modification yesterday. In the middle of it, reassignment surgery was mentioned and there were some shots of surgery being performed. It was graphic and bloody and unpleasant and more or less intended to shock. I watched it with a degree of naked want that surprised me. I watched the incisions and the suturing with no fear or distaste, just a wish that I could skip the next four weeks. I have no misgivings about this, no second thoughts, no niggling wondering that I might not be doing the right thing. This is so so right.
For all that it's very definitely what I want though, I'm already wigging out slightly and by the time the weekend of the 20th of April rolls around, I'm going to be a bit incoherent. Anyone helping me out on moving day gets extra thanks for their forbearance in advance.
I'm starting to pack my things, work through lists of things I have to do and I am thinking of little else but moving house and surgery. Moving house also happens in four weeks, the weekend before surgery. I could wish it was a week earlier but some things just can't happen so I guess I suck it up and deal. It essentially means that I'll do a quick and dirty setup in the room that will be my bedroom so I have a bed to sleep on and access to my clothes and everything else will be shoved into the other room to be dealt with when I get home after surgery. Unpacking will be a slow and gentle exercise, methinks.
I don't think I'm especially scared. I'm appropriately wary of the risks associated with surgery but short of not going ahead with this there's nothing I can do about that so it's not worth getting worked up over and I'm not. I'm a little more edgy about the pain that I know will be involved but again, that will be what it will be and falls into "suck it up" territory. Price of admission and all that. It's what comes after that. New home, readjustments to make to how I see myself. I suppose my life won't change that much but what will change will be that I will no longer have a major goal to push towards with transition. I'll have done all the big stuff and, to paraphrase Hitchikers' Guide to the Galaxy, anything I still can't deal with will therefore be my problem. What next? I broke my life apart, threw away several large chunks of it and then set myself to focus almost entirely on the process of transition. I need to be aware that I'm not going to have much in the way of goals after this and be ready for the "now what?" questions. If I'm honest, I think that's what I'm nervous about now. Once I've negotiated the big stuff I'll be left with just a life like everyone else. It'll come with a couple of extra challenges but so do many other people's. To survive isn't enough, I'll need more purpose than that. There's no big rush I guess but even so.
Having said all that I suspect that I really shouldn't underestimate the fact that there will be several levels of coming to grips with what I'm about to do. I'm not even sure what that will entail but it's not going to be a case of dusting off my hands and getting on with life as if nothing has happened. Even putting aside healing, I think I'm going to be re-examining myself yet again. Let's be honest, I have no idea how I'm going to feel at that point. Lots of general purpose bracing knowing nothing except that there's a significant probability of post-surgical depression. That's a very long winded way of saying that this is a big deal and I have no idea what to expect afterwards. As usual though, getting it out of my head helps it to make more sense.
I watched a video about body modification yesterday. In the middle of it, reassignment surgery was mentioned and there were some shots of surgery being performed. It was graphic and bloody and unpleasant and more or less intended to shock. I watched it with a degree of naked want that surprised me. I watched the incisions and the suturing with no fear or distaste, just a wish that I could skip the next four weeks. I have no misgivings about this, no second thoughts, no niggling wondering that I might not be doing the right thing. This is so so right.
For all that it's very definitely what I want though, I'm already wigging out slightly and by the time the weekend of the 20th of April rolls around, I'm going to be a bit incoherent. Anyone helping me out on moving day gets extra thanks for their forbearance in advance.
Well done so far...
Try to get someone else to help with unpacking though, because you're not going to be able to do it alone - no way. In fact, I'd advise you arrange a friend to do some shopping for you by the time you get out.
Be well.
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I'll definitely help you on that weekend ... if Brett's in the state, I'll drag him along to lift heavy things, or at least I'll provide a humongous car to carry smaller stuff. And I'm a dab hand at making tea, providing soothing chocolate, etc. :)
Send me an email at crazyjane13@gmail.com letting me know your address, hon.
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But if it helps any, my scary maybe-it's-cancer doctor's appointment was scheduled for just after my house move. Which meant I was well distracted until the very last minute.
Like 'noodles wrote ...
My God! I remember talking with you in Second Life about your decision and all the consequences. "No misgivings" -- you are incredible! This long agonizing wait, the journey to start the journey, is drawing to its inevitable unfolding. My thoughts and prayers continue to go out, transoceanic flights of encouragement and admiration. Thanks for you brave sharing of this amazing journey.
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