sacredchao (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sacredchao) wrote2013-04-05 10:04 pm
sacredchao) wrote2013-04-05 10:04 pm
Entry tags:
No, I said an ORDERLY line.
Just over two weeks to go and there's a sense of too much to do and too little time in which to do it. This isn't actually the case but it feels that way and the temptation to procrastinate is perversely strong. I'm definitely starting to feel the stress. It's not so much that I'm consciously worrying about things but my body steps in and hits me with adrenal surges so sharp that I gasp like someone has poked me with a pin or I'll suddenly have to disappear from my desk at work and walk quickly and determinedly away so that I can burst into inexplicable tears in private. I'm also veering oddly between insomnia and finding myself falling asleep at inopportune time (ok, maybe the veering isn't so odd but it's inconvenient and disconcerting) I may need to be very conservative with my estimates of how much I can get done in a given amount of time in the final week.
There is more than just the stress of moving house and impending surgery to cope with. The loss of derby is still fresh enough for me to cry over under the right circumstances and while that's receding it's a sort of sour background fog that ties in with me being really fucking annoyed with my body, mostly because of the restrictions associated with my knee. This in turn relates to the way in which the impending reconfiguration of my body has me angry at myself for the indulgent comfort eating and excess of alcohol which in combination with almost no exercise has seen me gain 10 kg and lose a lot of hard won fitness. I worry about how to deal with that as I suspect I may be pushing too hard with that even now. It also has me re-evaluating aspects of my sexuality again which will place me even further into extravagant freak territory but which I cannot simply sweep under the rug and ignore - that bump is now too large. This will be part of how I contextualise myself in the future and not something I can ignore while actively trying to start dating again.
I've also made a tentative but enormous commitment which has a year long lead time and a lot of wrangling but would yet again turn my life upside down. It has a ratio of amazing and scary that probably means I absolutely have to do it if it's even remotely feasible but the very idea makes my brain fizz.
I can't actually effectively hold all of this in my mind at once. I'm trying very hard to focus on the important stuff that is happening really very soon now but the other things barge in and shout at me about how big and important and exciting and scary they are and how I need to think about them Right Now. This is not something that is calculated to promote calmness and rationality.
Still, there's not that much time left. As long as I do what I need to get done in the next couple of weeks, from that point I can just hang on for the ride and come out the other side with a much clearer mental and emotional landscape or at least one with a couple of huge and pressing elements removed. I just wish I could convince myself to put everything else aside until then.
Why am I doing this to myself?
There is more than just the stress of moving house and impending surgery to cope with. The loss of derby is still fresh enough for me to cry over under the right circumstances and while that's receding it's a sort of sour background fog that ties in with me being really fucking annoyed with my body, mostly because of the restrictions associated with my knee. This in turn relates to the way in which the impending reconfiguration of my body has me angry at myself for the indulgent comfort eating and excess of alcohol which in combination with almost no exercise has seen me gain 10 kg and lose a lot of hard won fitness. I worry about how to deal with that as I suspect I may be pushing too hard with that even now. It also has me re-evaluating aspects of my sexuality again which will place me even further into extravagant freak territory but which I cannot simply sweep under the rug and ignore - that bump is now too large. This will be part of how I contextualise myself in the future and not something I can ignore while actively trying to start dating again.
I've also made a tentative but enormous commitment which has a year long lead time and a lot of wrangling but would yet again turn my life upside down. It has a ratio of amazing and scary that probably means I absolutely have to do it if it's even remotely feasible but the very idea makes my brain fizz.
I can't actually effectively hold all of this in my mind at once. I'm trying very hard to focus on the important stuff that is happening really very soon now but the other things barge in and shout at me about how big and important and exciting and scary they are and how I need to think about them Right Now. This is not something that is calculated to promote calmness and rationality.
Still, there's not that much time left. As long as I do what I need to get done in the next couple of weeks, from that point I can just hang on for the ride and come out the other side with a much clearer mental and emotional landscape or at least one with a couple of huge and pressing elements removed. I just wish I could convince myself to put everything else aside until then.
Why am I doing this to myself?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-04-05 04:35 pm (UTC)(link)Keep writing! It appears to help you focus and calm down. Your chronicles could be very helpful to others facing this transition and for helping the rest of us understand it.
We are with you in spirit, dear heart!
no subject
Keep writing! It appears to help you focus and calm down. Your chronicles could be very helpful to others facing this transition and for helping the rest of us understand it.
We are with you in spirit, dear heart!
no subject
You are doing this to yourself so that ultimately you will feel like the body you are in is actually the one you are supposed to be in. It won't be perfect (believe me I sympathise on the stuffed knee front) but it will at least be configured the way it is supposed to be.
You are incredibly brave - the path you are on is by no means an easy one, but you WILL come out of it ok.
Be kind to yourself - the 10 kilos can be dealt with later - don't expect to be able to deal with everything at once - it is fine to say "ok I am not happy with this aspect of what is going on with my body/life but for right now I either can't fix it or don't have the emotional energy to deal with it".
Bursting into tears randomly is both entirely normal under the circumstances, and one of the frustrating aspects of being a female.
Hang in there darling, you are almost there.
no subject
What needs to be done now? What can be left until later? Yes, you need to pack up your stuff, but you don't need to unpack all of it until later (say 2017, that's what I'm aiming for). Just as long as you have toiletries, towels, bedding, some kitchen stuff and some comfy clothes and something to read, you'll be fine until you have more time to unpack. Instead of panicking about changing address with the bank etc, go to the post office and get your mail forwarded, and worry about changing addresses with all the different things later.