...and I know where the birdies is

[sacredchao]

Wow, weather really is something that influences my moods. I got out on the bike today and pootled gently up to Fitzroy. There was a meeting of a small local queer group (Butch Femme Trans) and I thought it worthwhile to at least drop in and see what it was like. I got up to Brunswick St somewhat early (the gathering was in the Hares and Hyenas queer book shop on Johnston St at 3pm) and treated myself to a late brunch of Eggs Florentine and a pot of Earl Grey, sat outside enjoying the glorious weather. A bit of a wander and poke into a few shops reinforced the happy sunny weather feeling and killed the requisite amount of time so I ambled up to Johnston St.

There were some thoroughly nice people there. I think I'll be going to a few more of those gatherings...they include enough fringe groups of the queer scene that they seem to have dodged some of the queer orthodoxy that apparently is an issue with some other groups. I get the impression that butch dykes and transdykes can get a frosty reception in some places.

Yet again I find myself thinking about relationships and I realised today that it's that above all else that really fires up the physical dysmorphia. My body is a bit wrong in isolation and there are some things that make me twitch on a daily basis (notably every time I put on pants and have to tuck a ridiculous superfluous wad of flesh out of the way where it can spend the rest of the day getting in the way and making me wish that it simply wasn't there) but when I start to think about myself being physically intimate with someone else I really start to notice in specific detail where and how my body is wrong. This is one of the main reasons why I've been obsessing about who could possibly find me attractive and why I've been worried about how and when surgery is going to be possible. Now that I at least have a timeline for that it's less stressful but I'm still incredibly impatient because without that, the very idea of being with someone is somewhat compromised. There is at least another year of this to get through so I'm going to have to make my peace with it to a certain extent. How well I can do this remains to be seen and will be fascinating if probably mind-meltingly frustrating to deal with if and when I do meet someone and mutual attraction happens. At least I'm talking face to face now with people who understand first hand what it's like or who at least know a number of people in my situation and so for whom it's not a strange and exotic thing.

Comments

[ms-kilian.livejournal.com]

Some say the birds is on the wing - I say, the wing is on the bird!

[anicalewis.livejournal.com]

Just discovered your blog through the comment you left on a post about the male gaze in writing, and I'm so glad I did! It might seem odd for me to then comment on this post, from over a year ago, but I read some of your archives because I would like to know more about the experiences of trans people than I do - and while of course I know you don't speak for all trans people, one viewpoint is one more than I had before. I found this post particularly illuminating, so I wanted to thank you for it.

You seem like a caring and intelligent person who also lives a fun, active, dynamic life. Here's wishing you the best of luck with everything!

[sacred-chao.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying nice things :) I made the decision a while ago that I was going to be out and also that I was going to make this blog public so that it could be a resource. I then of course had to beat myself into not censoring myself when I write but I'm mostly over that. Ultimately my primary audience is my future self but if I can provide an external viewpoint and, thereby, a little broadening or enrichment of the viewpoints of others then that's an awfully nice bonus.