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sacredchaoI'm a bit disappointed in myself. I found this and promptly had a splutter about David Busby's pathetic weaselling around an apology for what was a childish thing to start with. I then sprayed briefly about it on Facebook. I became aware that I've been far more vocal about this sort of thing lately. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I'm certainly not about to feel bad for being vocal about it but I do wonder at me not being vocal earlier and in some ways am feeling bad about that.
So why didn't I speak up when I perceived myself as nominally, if uncomfortably male? I can think of a few things off the top of my head (and this all is off the top of my head) and it's starting to interest me as a peek into my own mind and that of others. Firstly, I didn't necessarily see all of it. There's no real excuse for that other than the fact that when you're not a member of any disadvantaged group you don't have a first hand understanding of how it works. The idea that the world actually *does* revolve around you because it was constructed by and for people just like you doesn't occur to you, either because you're a self-centred prat or simply because it's such a ridiculous notion. I'm still trying to come to grips with it and it really is surreal to be introduced to it as a concrete idea. I resisted believing it for ages because I just didn't want to believe that I was a member of a culture that operates like that. The shift in perspective from universally privileged to suddenly being a part of several disadvantaged groups is a bit dizzying and I'm not even getting the public responses yet given that people are still reading me as a man. How the world will feel when I'm visibly not heteroboy remains to be seen but I bet it'll be less comfortable.
So that's one reason. Another was that I didn't feel like I had the right to take up that voice...it wasn't my voice and I felt pushy trying to speak with it. Yet another was that one of the things that I recognise in retrospect as being symptomatic of my dysphoria was a reluctance to be identified with men as a whole, especially when it was the uglier side of that gender being talked about. So I'd react with "But I'm NOT like that!", and then close off fairly firmly which was childish but explains the strength of the reaction I had to that sort of discussion which always bothered me, even as recently as this which was only just barely before being properly consciously aware of what the hell was going on with me.
There are undoubtedly other factors as well but in the end it's about being disappointed with the lack of insight and social conscience I had before a new point of view forcibly hammered home the idea that I should be outraged at bigotry, and not just bigotry that directly impacts me. So as well as misogyny, homophobia and transphobia, I should also be looking at racism, discrimination against those with disabilities, religious discrimination and other forms of blinkered viewpoints of types that I haven't even registered because they're not part of my universe. In other words, time to take responsibility for my own ethics and beliefs, I have no excuse now.
So why didn't I speak up when I perceived myself as nominally, if uncomfortably male? I can think of a few things off the top of my head (and this all is off the top of my head) and it's starting to interest me as a peek into my own mind and that of others. Firstly, I didn't necessarily see all of it. There's no real excuse for that other than the fact that when you're not a member of any disadvantaged group you don't have a first hand understanding of how it works. The idea that the world actually *does* revolve around you because it was constructed by and for people just like you doesn't occur to you, either because you're a self-centred prat or simply because it's such a ridiculous notion. I'm still trying to come to grips with it and it really is surreal to be introduced to it as a concrete idea. I resisted believing it for ages because I just didn't want to believe that I was a member of a culture that operates like that. The shift in perspective from universally privileged to suddenly being a part of several disadvantaged groups is a bit dizzying and I'm not even getting the public responses yet given that people are still reading me as a man. How the world will feel when I'm visibly not heteroboy remains to be seen but I bet it'll be less comfortable.
So that's one reason. Another was that I didn't feel like I had the right to take up that voice...it wasn't my voice and I felt pushy trying to speak with it. Yet another was that one of the things that I recognise in retrospect as being symptomatic of my dysphoria was a reluctance to be identified with men as a whole, especially when it was the uglier side of that gender being talked about. So I'd react with "But I'm NOT like that!", and then close off fairly firmly which was childish but explains the strength of the reaction I had to that sort of discussion which always bothered me, even as recently as this which was only just barely before being properly consciously aware of what the hell was going on with me.
There are undoubtedly other factors as well but in the end it's about being disappointed with the lack of insight and social conscience I had before a new point of view forcibly hammered home the idea that I should be outraged at bigotry, and not just bigotry that directly impacts me. So as well as misogyny, homophobia and transphobia, I should also be looking at racism, discrimination against those with disabilities, religious discrimination and other forms of blinkered viewpoints of types that I haven't even registered because they're not part of my universe. In other words, time to take responsibility for my own ethics and beliefs, I have no excuse now.
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-01 07:38 am (UTC)Don't beat yourself up about not recognising your own privilege until now ... I firmly believe it's a lifelong voyage of unpleasant discovery that we all make.
As for not taking up any particular voice - I can understand that. There's a fairly vocal school of thought that says, 'You don't speak for ME,' and it can make one reluctant to champion others. But I think there's a real difference between being an ally and silencing people by presuming to think for them ... and I'm damned sure you've always come from a place of alliance.
Also, *hugs*.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-01 11:45 am (UTC)I'm used to the gender inequality/disadvantage thing but I was pretty surprised when I realised that I did have a fairly privileged upbringing. We weren't rich and no one had a highbrow job, but were educated/skilled, literate, reading happened at home, supportive parents, white, etc etc.