A Lucid Moment

I didn't get that job I wanted.

I feel like I'm struggling to keep myself engaged with things at the moment. I have the occasional win, like the Einsturzende Neubauten concert last night which I genuinely enjoyed but the day to day stuff is a bit of a fuzzy blur. There are tears and moments when I just stop and lean against things or sit down and simply stop functioning for a minute or so and I'm starting to watch myself carefully because I worry that this has the potential to escalate. I'm due to see my therapist prior to surgery so that will present an opportunity to talk things through.

My life is still awfully good. I'm full time employed, mostly healthy and surrounded by friends. I do still somehow manage to feel awfully battered right now. I'm surrounded my images and references to the thing I've lost that I can't get rid of without cutting off a great many friends. I ache regularly and the fact that my clothes no longer fit reminds me that I'm not getting half the exercise I used to even pre-derby. I'm starting to feel fat, old and broken which I know doesn't make me special but I would have liked to have been able to explore my new life as myself in a body that hadn't already had all the juice squeezed out of it.

I'm not being particularly objective right now and I'm sure I'll gain perspective with time but right now I just want to throw things. And cry. I do find that I want to do that quite a bit right now.

I know the universe doesn't owe me a single thing but right now it feels like the scales are a touch out of balance.