Counting down

[sacredchao]

In a week's time I'll hopefully be mostly if not entirely moved. I'm in the process of packing and it's going slowly and painfully, mostly because I'm utterly exhausted and keep bursting into tears. I am not coping well. I keep telling myself that I just have to get through this last week and hold it together and it's all done. Just so long as I do what I have to that's enough. I don't have to like it. I don't have to do it especially well. I just have to do it. Please god don't let me miss something important. The money is paid, the consent forms are sent. I still have to fill me post-op care shopping list, but that's not huge.

I'm having not grownup responses like wanting to curl into a ball and have someone else fix everything for me. This is not reasonable but then that doesn't appear to be a criterium for how I'm feeling at the moment. I guess this was never going to be an easy week. So I'm whining.

I'm whining because I feel awful and my body does things to me like make me cry randomly (like right now) and want to fall asleep at inopportune moments and because I want to have this record of me whining so I can look back at it later and value what I have just that little bit more because fuck it, I have *earned* this.

Oh but I hate it though. I hate the feeling of not being in control of myself. I hate the feeling of suddenly not having enough time when the wait had dragged on forever. I hate not having the personal resources to simply harden the fuck up and simply DO what would at any other time be a fairly straightforward thing. I hate feeling like some kind of fraud because on some level I'm not registering that this is real stress and it feels like some weird scam I've concocted. I hate the way in which I'm kind of bewildered at my lack of ability to just get on with it.

Can I just be finished please? I really really want this to be finished.

Comments

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

and simply DO what would at any other time be a fairly straightforward thing

I hope you're not referring to moving house there, because IME it's pretty damn stressful.

And y'know, can't speak for gender realignment, but rumours have it that that's a big deal too.

Is the sleep thing a stress response?

[hometime.livejournal.com]

I'm going to suggest that a part of the not coping-ness may be due to hormone withdrawal. Which doesn't make it better, or easier to deal with, but at least there is a reason. I hate the feeling where the I'm not fully in control of my responses due to hormonal weirdness (I can be quite mental pre-menstrually, when the progesterone levels drop), but at least I know that it will pass. And the same for you, just hang in there for a few days, once you are in hospital there will be nothing for you to do except for look after yourself, and get yourself better physically and mentally.

[splodgenoodles.livejournal.com]

I didn't realise the hormones had been withdrawn!

That explains a lot...

[hometime.livejournal.com]

I think that you have to stop them a few weeks before surgery.

[sacred-chao.livejournal.com]

Four weeks beforehand.

[crazyjane13.livejournal.com]

Are you still needing help to move?

[sacred-chao.livejournal.com]

At this point I will gratefully accept whatever help turns up. I'm not sure at this point who I have beyond a couple of people.

[crazyjane13.livejournal.com]

Just send me your address and a time ... email is crazyjane13@gmail.com.

I won't be able to lift things, but I can drive. So if you need the services of a driver, it'll be me. If you need someone to throw around furniture, I mean, carefully lift things into cars, Brett is happy to help out.

[f-m-r-l.livejournal.com]

Wanting to curl up into a ball and have someone else take care of it all during periods of extreme stress isn't a sign of immaturity or even weakness (I've asked around). You are moving forward. You are taking care of what needs to be taken care of, even when there are numerous very stressful things happening in your life. Those are signs that you are mature and strong.

Still going to send you *hugs* though.