Not the same thing

[sacredchao]

I've written before about lust and envy being hopelessly conflated for me. It's good that I recognise this but identifying something like that isn't the same as understanding it. It's also not simply raw lust, but attraction on a few levels. So it's not entirely a possession thing which is a bit creepy now that I think about it. So I want to be what I admire. That's not a bad thing at all in many instances but it gets stuttery and less well formed when I come back to basic physical attraction and I wonder to what extent I blur the lines between the person and their physicality.

Strong, graceful, deft, feminine, lean, muscular, expressive...things I want to be and things I find delightful in others. I suppose it doesn't matter that there's a lot of overlap there and nor should it surprise me, given that I've worked out that complementary but opposite roles in a relationship isn't what I like. What I really want is more like two very similar roles that fit together like two like hands meeting.

I'm wary though. I've had relationships that (and I only realise this in hindsight) ended because I couldn't have from my partner the thing that I wanted which was to *be* them as much as to be *with* them. Because I didn't understand this there was only a cold sour sense of dissatisfaction and frustration which I couldn't articulate well enough to understand. Because attraction and envy co-exist and intertwine so ridiculously in my mind I worry that my view of anyone I'm attracted to will be tainted by what I want to be myself. I also worry that I will confuse the desire to be the person with the desire to be with the person. I can't just shy away from a relationship with someone I genuinely like though. I hope I get more insight into this before it becomes more than intellectual abstraction but then it's a situation that I'm starting to think that I'd really rather like to arise.

Maybe it's ok to aspire to be more like the better part of the person I fall in love with. It's definitely not ok to resent them if I fail though, nor to resent them if in some way they fall short of the person I want to be. It's also important to remember that the two very similar people who wind up together are still *two* people. They can weave their lives together and create a glorious synergy with each other but they will still be distinct and separate people.

Gah, my head. What the fuck is in my head?

Comments

[sjkasabi.livejournal.com]

Well, I knew you were a geek, and now a girl, but now I know you are a geekgirl.

The classical formulation is "do I want to be Han Solo or fuck Han Solo?" and the classical answer is "well, duh, both", and the classical response to write fic about true lerv (with gay sex).

Welcome, sistah.

[villana.livejournal.com]

Oh the LOLs! But that about sums it up perfectly!

[assassinus.livejournal.com]

"Maybe it's ok to aspire to be more like the better part of the person I fall in love with" Definitely! I always find being in relationships (and friendships, and having housemates) you find good qualities about people and adopt them yourself...so we learn, we get paradigm shift, and become better people.

This is to a degree what you are talking about, and a cool thing. Of course, you want to avoid the "Single White Female" effect! (In reference to Jennifer Jason Leigh's character in the movie).

[crazyjane13.livejournal.com]

To digress momentarily into Jungian theory ... :)

Projection is how we form attractions and relationships. We start by seeing something desirable in another that transcends sexual attraction, and which resonates deeply in us - either because we feel we are like that, or because we want to be. Often, we're responding to something in another that we've repressed or never been able to express due to cultural/family/etc factors.

That initial projection allows us to make the relationship happen. After that, moving beyond the projection to seeing the person as they really are is where a lot of relationships founder. We feel cheated, as though they've lied to us - or we feel stupid for not seeing the 'real' person. The trick, I guess, is to be sufficiently self-aware to keep in mind that while the person isn't the 'love-of-our-dreams', there is much in them that is like that - because a projection won't 'stick' if that person doesn't possess some of those qualities.

Ever tried dialoguing with yourself, or more specifically, the part of yourself that you see reflected in those who attract you? I used to do it by dividing a page in two lengthwise, and writing questions from my 'daily' self on one side, then responding as the desired self on the other. It can be surprisingly enlightening.